The wonderful thing about drinking wine is that it makes you look smart and sophisticated—and delivers the same carnival ride for your brain as a sixer of Pabst. And, no, you don’t need to take out a second mortgage to get a bottle of good stuff. Just follow these guidelines and become the stumbliest snob on your block!

Okay Dokey
The most widely consumed grape in America, chardonnay grows all over the globe. The classic California version is that bold, buttery beauty from Napa Valley. Spread it on toast at breakfast.

ALSO TRY:
2006 ZD Reserve (Napa Valley)
You may have to dip into your reserves to afford this reserve, but break open your kid’s piggy bank. Daddy needs his happy water!
$55, zdwines.com

2008 Cakebreak Cellars (Napa Valley)
Rich and creamy without being slutty and syrupy.
$37, cakebread.com

2008 Bogle (California)
Overdelivers on value with a rich and oaktastic flavor.
$9, 916-744-1139

Just Add Meat
One of the manliest wines you can drink, cabernet sauvignon is the perfect glass of giggle juice with which to wash down a thick, juicy steak. It’ll ground ’n’ pound your taste buds into submission.

ALSO TRY:
2005 Slingshot (Napa Valley)
A new wine in Napa, this underpriced underdog is in the ritzy clubhouse of Cali cabs. It’ll grab you by the throat and kick you in the balls with flavor.
$23, slingshotwines.com

2003 Richard Perry (Napa Valley)
Bring it to a party and you’ll be treated like Bacchus himself.
$45, perryvineyards.com

2005 Poppy (California)
Buy a case; only 500 crates remain.
$12, montereywine company.com

Velvet Fog
Famously slammed by Paul Giamatti in Sideways (“I am not drinking any fucking merlot!”), merlot got a bad rep. Lighter than cabs, it’s a sexy grape evoking crushed velvet and late-night Cinemax flicks.

ALSO TRY:
2004 Sarah's Vineyard (Santa Clara Valley)
This gorgeous Central Coast merlot offers juicy plums and dark berries, supple textures, and a long finish. Erection may ensue. 

$25, 877-447-4668

2006 Souverain (Alexander Valley, California)
Nutmeg-y goodness with every sip.
$18, souverain.com

2006 Duckhorn (Napa Valley)
Notes of raspberry, spice, and…Cherry Coke.
$52, duckhorn vineyards.com

It's Got Game
This dark grape is usually called shiraz when made below the equator, syrah when found above. It is generally dense and powerful, with aromas of leather and smoked meats. Like our weird Uncle Buddy.

ALSO TRY:
2004 Le Cigare Volant (California)
After seeing a UFO over a vineyard, French townsfolk banned “flying cigars,” a.k.a. “cigare volant.” French people are stupid.
$30, bonnydoonvineyard.com

2005 Penfolds Koonunga Hill (Southeastern Australia)
A saucy Aussie.
$12, penfolds.com

2005 Bien Nacido (Santa Barbara, California)
World-class.
$38, ojaivineyard.com

Universal Adaptor
Aromas of rose petals, red cherries, strawberries, and rhubarb are surefire signs of elegant pinot noir. Or that someone went Glade spray crazy after destroying the office bathroom.

ALSO TRY:
2006 Mark West (California)
Pinot noir should be pretty and pleasant, like the girl you bring home that your mom actually likes. This superior swill carries notes of cherries and strawberries.
$12, markwestwines.com

2006 Robert Sinskey (Los Carneros, California)
Hints of brewed tea and yummy soil.
$38, robertsinskey.com

2007 Chasseur (Russian River Valley, Sonoma)
Will send you into fits of joy.
$40, chasseurwines.com

Zestfully Clean
Taking its name from the French word for “wild” (sauvage), sauvignon blanc just wants to have fun. It drinks well by itself or with cheeses and seafood. Cheat on your favorite chardonnay with this sassy minx.

ALSO TRY:
2007 Cloudy Bay (New Zealand)
Marked by crisp notes of orange blossom and lemon zest. It’ll make your teeth sparkle, according to our creepy dentist.
$24, cloudybay.co.nz

2005 Mondavi Fume Blanc (Napa Valley)
Try with oysters and get shucked up.
$18, robertmondaviwinery.com

2006 Altamura (Napa Valley)
Awesomely aged 16 months in new French oak barrels.
$45, altamura.com

Dark & Lovely
Zinfandel, the juicy all-American red, is typified by rich aromas of licorice, sage, and blackberries. Drink with gamy meats, spicy food, or a sloppy cheeseburger. America, fuck yeah!

ALSO TRY:
2007 The Prisoner (Napa Valley)
Like its neo-Gothic Goya label, it’s a masterpiece. (If that sentence makes you want to punch us, we understand.)
$32, orinswift.com

2005 Ravenswood (Napa Valley)
Boasts a bright bouquet of blackberry.
$35, ravens woodwine.com

2005 Turley Juvenile (California)
Will put even more hair on your chest.
$45, 805-434-1030

The Italian Stallion
Born in Italy’s Tuscany region, this vino has three ascending levels of deliciousness: Chianti, Chianti Classico, and Chianti Classico Riserva. All go great with fava beans and human liver.

ALSO TRY:
2004 Ruffino Chianti Classico (Italy)
This nicely textured treat is as classy as Chianti gets. Drink while discussing opera or after whacking informant rats.
$40, ruffino.com

Gabbiano (Italy)
If you’ve only got $10 and also want a pack of smokes, grab this.
$5, gabbiano.com

2005 Antinori Peppoli Chianti Classico (Italy)
Elegant and polished, like a prince’s knob.
$26, peppoli.com

The Girly Show
Often dismissed as the ultimate girly wine, pinot grigio is actually among the safer whites to order at a half-decent bar. Hey, even if you don’t like it, odds are your date probably will. Score!

ALSO TRY:
2006 Tu Tu (California)
A tasty twist on the tried-and-tired grape. It’s easy-drinking and will make you twirl like the gal on the label.
$12, klwines.com

2007 Santa Margherita (Italy)
Refreshing after a long day of racketeering.
$20, santa margherita.com

Note from the Editors:
If you’re paying $50 or more for a bottle of pinot grigio, you need to rethink your life.