THE 5 BEST

 

5. Bear
Breakout Moment: BJ and The Bear (1979-1981)

Because Bear was the true star of this hit TV series, it was originally titled Bear & the BJ. Network censors, however, forced producers to change the name at the last minute. Still, Bear was a true professional, showing up on set hours before shooting to go over lines with strangers wandering the Universal backlot. Note here the excitement when Greg Evigan tells him he'll learn to sing, knowing damn well he won't. And he pulls the air horn string like a 30-year truck driving vet. Most importantly, he solved crimes, which monkeys don't instinctively do.


4. Jack
Breakout Moment: MVP: Most Valuable Primate (2000)

Although you wouldn't know it from watching his flawless moves, this chimpanzee had never stepped foot on the ice until four months prior to shooting. When his agent informed him that he landed the role, Jack (not his real name) hired an acting coach and moved to Knoxville, Tenn., to train with minor-league hockey team the Knoxville Ice Bears. TRIVIA: Jack was the Ice Bears' leading scorer in 1999.


3. Lancelot Link

Breakout Moment: Lancelot Link (Secret Chimp) (1970-1972)

This chimp didn't just break the primate acting barrier in the early 1970s, he blew it up. Lance ad-libbed many of his scenes and served as the show's head writer. He was so convincing as a spy that he was in contention for the role of James Bond in 1973's Live and Let Die. Filmmakers ultimately decided on Roger Moore because, as the director finally explained, "Lance is a brilliant actor who embodies everything about the character. But we felt his British accent wasn't convincing."


2. Bonzo

Breakout Moment: Bedtime for Bonzo (1951)

In one word "Wow." This chimp carried the entire movie, getting top billing over Ronald Reagan, who refused to watch the film once it hit theaters. It was common knowledge among the crew that Bonzo often had to feed Reagan his lines.

 

1. Clyde
Breakout Moment: Every Which Way But Loose (1978)

This orangutan is a chameleon. Dare we say, the Johnny Depp of his species. He did slapstick, drama, and all of his own stunts. He showed true compassion for Eastwood's character, despite the fact that the two had frequent arguments on set. Throw Clyde into any scene and it was magic. And without his martial arts training, the phrase "Right turn, Clyde" would be nothing more than a boring traffic signal.

 

 

 

THE 5 WORST

5. Marcel

Breakout Moment: Friends

Best known as "that monkey on friends," Marcel was a one-trick pony. He delivered no lines, but liked to hear "In The Jungle," which forced us to listen to Matt LeBlanc sing the song's high part. Marcel was loathed by members of the cast for his frequent outbursts and poo slinging.

 

4. Grape Ape
Breakout Moment: The Grape Ape Show (1975-1978)

This cartoon monkey was giant and purple, and had a three-pack-a-day cigarette habit that ultimately killed him in 1987. He delivered his guttural, two-word dialogue with the passion of a ham sandwich. Don't even ask how many tailors died in the time it took to make his hat, jacket and bow tie.

 

 

3. Those Scary Ass Flying Monkeys

Breakout Moment: The Wizard of Oz

Originally these monkeys were supposed to deliver multiple lines, but director Victor Fleming decided against it once production started, claiming, "They are the worst acting monkeys I've ever had the displeasure of working with." Today, only a handful of the primates are alive, living in a Florida retirement community and doing occasional promotional appearances for an Orlando Ford dealership.

 

 

2. Dexter
Breakout Moment: Night at the Museum 2: Battle for the Smithsonian

Just watch this scene. It's unbelievable how poorly he delivers his lines, almost as though he's just there to cash in on his success from the first film. His pitiful attempts at slapstick are humiliating and had many ticketgoers wanting their $9.50 back when they left the theater. Oh, and Dexter was really bad, too.

 

1. Bonzo

Breakout Moment: Going Bananas (1987)

It doesn't seem possible that Bonzo, who was discovered while working as a valet in Hollywood (no relation to Reagan's co-star...we hope), could be a worse actor than Dom DeLuise and Jimmy Walker combined. But he was. At the 46-second mark, you can actually see DeLuise pretending to wipe his nose to keep from laughing when Bonzo horribly delivers the movie's climactic line: "No goodbye, no goodbye."

 

 

Editor's Note: We realize that orangutans and chimps are apes, and not "technically" monkeys. But we don't care.