The 47 Things Maxim Is Thankful For This Holiday Season

It’s a great time to be alive.
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It’s a great time to be alive.
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1.    Candice Swanepoel's Instagram

She’s a Maxim Hot 100 winner and her nickname is “perfection” for a reason. 

2.    Our Armed Forces

They kick ass and sing Disney songs. What else do you want?

3.    The Green Fairy

In the seventies, the FDA banned thujone, the chemical in wormwood that makes European absinthe such a delirious delight. Haters say that thujone-free absinthe is a contradiction, but we can’t hear them over the sounds of clinking glasses.

4.    Donald Sutherland’s Hair

We love our democratic republic, but one look at Donald’s distinguished locks get us yearning for a silver-haired monarch. All hail the King of California Cool.

5.Jennifer Lawrence’s Relentless Quirk

Whatever she’s on, we want some—oh, it’s just booze. Cheers to our favorite ingénue-on-the-rocks.  

6.This Evergreen Video of British WW2 Soldiers on LSD

“One hour after administration of the drug, with one man having climbed a tree to feed the birds, the troop commander gave up. He himself then relapsed into laughter.”

7.John Oliver

We don’t know why it took a Brit to deliver the best news on American television (and on your Aunt Mable’s HBOGo account), but we’re glad it’s this insidious Saxon.

8.45,000 BTU Turkey Deep Fryers

Though it would have preferred not dying, your Thanksgiving turkey would be delighted to know its carcass was plunged into several gallons of 500-degree peanut oil. That’s how you do it right.

9.The Dodge Challenger Hellcat

Long-term, we gotta get those ice caps re-frozen; short-term, you will find us refilling this 707-horsepower sedan.

10.   Hot Moms

We don’t even care if Gisele is a Martian-made humanoid meant to eventually rise up and murder New England’s favorite quarterback. She’s so beautiful. 

11.Miley’s Twitter

“needa get my unicorn ass up and at em.” You always do, Miley.

12.Evolution

If we didn’t have legs we’d have to live in the ocean, which is apparently terrifying.

13. The Aston Martin V12

Just listen.

14. We don’t play for the Chicago Bears

As lovers of the Great Lakes, bratwurst and political corruption, we’d usually be rooting for Chicago, but we’re parachuting out of this tailspin.

15. The Ferrari Ski Wagon



Courtesy Ferrari

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Sure, a Subaru will get you there, but if given the chance, why not strap a ski rack on top of Ferrari’s all-wheel-drive, V12 station wagon?  

16.Twilight Kobe

He’s almost forty, he’s leading the league in scoring, and he gives post-game interviews like most men give the finger.

17.   The Porsche 911 GTS

It’s not the fastest Porsche, nor the flashiest, but show us a sexier compromise of racecar and cruiser. Think of it as Porsche’s house blend.

18.Baseball is going to have a switch pitcher next season

Pat Venditte has twice the arms of a regular pitcher, and his name in the rule books.

19.Eastern Michigan has a lineman named Lion King

Next up, LSU’s new quarterback, Jungle Book.

20.Macallan 12 Hot Toddies

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Courtesy Paul Johnson/Getty Images

Blow those bastards sipping Valrhona hot chocolate out of the water.

21. Photoshop

The internet is not broken.  

22.Alcohol Delivery Services

Winter is coming and Scotch is still delicious.

23.Instant Gratification

Hard work is for squares.

24.Taking casual walks with Gigi Hadid

Social media is a beautiful, supermodel-filled thing.

25.Ready to Die is still perfection at 20

In honor of Biggie, as soon as he buy that wine, slip up from behind and ask her what her interests are, who she be with.

26.McConaughey

Whether he’s a cowboy, lawyer, broker, stripper or bro, we’re in awe.

27.Soviet Accessories

Putin is scary, but we’re all for a little retro Soviet style.

28.Salami By Mail

The ecstatic high of salami without the soul-crushing low of grocery shopping.

29. American Regionalism Isn’t Dead

With due respect, screw Tesla—this is honest American ingenuity.

30.Hardcore Quilting

The quilt that Grandma would make you if Grandma were in Hell’s Angels.

31.   Good Coats

For when you want to be warm and imposing.

32.Bob Dylan Forever

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Courtesy Express Newspapers/Getty Images

We would happily listen to Dylan lyrics even if they were dictated to us by the gravelly voice of Time Warner’s ersatz answering robot.

33.Gravy

34.Wearable Subwoofers

Sometimes, a man’s bass is for him alone.

35.Tony Little’s Can-Do Spirit

We commend the king of exercise infomercials and are writing to Santa for quads even half the size of Tony’s.

36.Pull-tab Dress Shoes

Your time is precious and laces are a fool’s game.

37.Fancy Fishing Boats

While there’s a certain queasiness to the luxurious appropriation of a workman’s tool, we can’t resist the cool and sturdy look of MJM’s 50-foot yachts.

38.A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

39.Lip Balm

Cracked lips make you look like a meth addict, and there’s not enough mistletoe in the world to overcome that comparison and get you a kiss.

40.AmySchumer

The funniest woman on television ended up with her own show. Sometimes, the gods are kind.

41.Improvisation

Even if you die wakeboarding in a canal behind a Ferrari F50, at least you died wakeboarding in a canal behind a FerrariF50.

42.Fold-flat seats in business class

If it’s going on the company card, upgrade and fight for you right to REM.

43.Really cozy cultural appropriation blankets

Navajo print is cool and no one does wool better than Pendleton. If it’s good enough for pioneers…

44. Lebron isn't winning

Sometimes, cruising through on talent gets a little dull. A Lebron who’s turning a franchise around is more compelling than a Lebron who's ring shopping.

45.Warm Ears

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Courtesy Fjallraven

For sunglasses, we trust the Italians; for winter clothes, it’s the hearty Swedes every time.

46.The Mercedes Unimog

God knows where the season will bring you, but wherever that is, the Unimog can get you back.

47.America’s Glorious Emergence from Puritanism