National Crisis: Porn Industry on Verge of Collapse!

Nine cases of syphilis may ruin your chance at stardom.

Nine cases of syphilis may ruin your chance at stardom.


The disease that killed Al Capone is now infecting the world of pornography after nine cases of syphilis have been found in porn actors. The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health director Dr. Jonathan Fielding said the outbreak is “not surprising,” while probably shrugging his shoulders. The Free Speech Coalition wants porn performers to get tested and called for a moratorium on productions over the weekend.

Will this be the end of pornography? Whatever will performers do? If you’re fresh out of college, or just desperate, and hoping to make it big in the world of adult entertainment, perhaps you should hold off on performing and try your hand (giggle) at another adult-themed occupation. We suggest: Porn Doctor! (This is also the name of the hour-long drama we’re pitching to NBC.)


Adult entertainers often must face the judgmental eyes of their general practitioner. Make things easier by being a Porn Doctor, a doctor who specializes in pornography-related ailments. No reason you need to spend 7 years in school learning about muscles and eyes. Just study the dirty diseases. You should have your PhD in a year, tops!


You can be the cool doctor that doesn’t grimace at the thought of syphilis, genital warts, or anal worms. In fact, your patients don’t even need to describe their embarrassing problem. You can just have them write it on a slip of paper that they slide across the desk. Or have them point to a doll to show you where it burns. And end every visit with a hearty, “It’s not your fault!”


With a Porn Doctor, outbreaks of syphilis can be contained because porn stars will gladly get treatment! Be a Porn Doctor. You owe it to your country.