Probing Questions (About Probing)

The most confusing/frightening diagram ever drawn (about prostate stimulation).

We get sent a lot of weird shit here at Maxim. Remember the Obama-shaped dildo? Or the 3D book of boobs? Some of this stuff turns out to be awesome, some of it turns out to be useless and most of it, if we’re being honest, remains a total mystery right up to the day we donate it to an orphange and then write it off as a deductible on our tax returns. This morning’s package, however, disturbed us more than usual. Called “The Ultimate Guide To Prostate Pleasure”, this book teaches you the many, myriad ways it’s possible to get off by having your prostate tickled. Now, we have no problem with any of that by itself – we’re honestly pretty impressed that someone managed to get 342 pages out of what essentially boils down to, “Have someone stick their finger up your ass” – but this one diagram in particular gave us the screaming horrors. It’s far less graphic than most of them, but frankly, that only makes it worse. Here are our four main questions with this image:

1 – What the hell are we looking at here?

2 – What the holy balls is wrong with that person’s hand?

3 – WHY IS THIS PERSON’S PROSTATE FLOATING IN SPACE INSTEAD OF INSIDE SOMEONE’S BODY WHERE IT BELONGS?

4 – OH DEAR SWEET GOD WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PERSON’S HAND? IT LOOKS LIKE E.T.! IT EVEN SAYS “OUCH”!

We’re off to scour our eyeballs with boiling salt water. Then shove them up our butts.

The Ultimate Guide To Prostate Pleasure, by Charlie Glickman, PhD & Aislinn Emirzian is out February 14 2013, $17.95.

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