Because regular mosquitos weren’t bad enough, here comes an even bitier species!
If you’re in New Jersey this July 4th weekend, chances are you’ll either be grilling under the shade of a nearby tree, sunning yourself by a pool, or disposing of a stool pigeon’s body in a convenient local swamp. And if you do any of those things, you’re likely to come into contact with the state’s newest invasive species, the Tiger Mosquito, a disease-carrying super-bastard that schlepped here all the way from Southeast Asia in a shipment of used tires. Experts are warning Jersey residents to be very wary of the stripy, tree-and-water-loving biters, since, due to their habit of feeding on whatever dumb beast is nearby (be it human, bird, horse, or Real Housewife), they’re very efficient at transmitting horrible diseases. Here are five of the worst things you’re likely to catch from an itchy ankle this weekend.
This one’s also known as “breakbone fever,” due to the intense joint and muscle pain that accompanies the headache, rashes, diarrhea, and gastrointestinal bleeding that are all typical symptoms. Weirdly enough, that’s also the name of the erotic hip-hop concept album we’re currently working on.
A disease that’s similar to Dengue Fever, it’s especially appropriate to July 4th since it’s the exact noise you make when you bite into a burger that’s way, way too hot for human consumption.
West Nile Virus
This nasty illness can cause convulsions, paralysis, neurological damage, and death. On the other hand, it also has several upsides, such as...ok, no, there are no upsides. It's just awful.
This can lead to liver damage, bleeding from the eyes and mouth, and possible death. Fun fact: In Spanish, the disease is called “vomito negro,” which translates as “black vomit.” They call it this because all the blood in your vomit turns it black! That fact wasn’t really so fun, now that we think about it.
Saint Louis Encephalitis
Symptoms of this illness include dizziness, tremors, disorientation, headache, and nausea. Good luck trying to diagnose those the day after July 4th!