How To Have Sex At Your Parents' Place

'Tis the season to be really really quiet.
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'Tis the season to be really really quiet.
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While being surrounded by family during the holidays is great, it leaves little quality time for you and your significant other to do the sort of stuff you like to do together in private. Ironically, that’s a turn on. According to Dr. Patti Britton, co-founder of SexCoachU.com, “Couples actually experience a greater desire to be sexual when there’s something that’s pushing against it.” That means that – on some level – your mother’s desire to have everyone play board games is getting the juices flowing.

Well, where there’s a will, there’s a walk-in closet. Here’s our guide to availing yourself (quickly and quietly) of whatever rooms will be free of foot traffic for the next ten minutes.

Your Childhood Bedroom

Putting the old twin bed through its paces is not a bad idea, but you and your partner are going to have to come to terms with that Kelly Kapowski poster circa 1993 staring down at you. You’re also going to want to check to see that the whole thing isn’t going to fall apart. Bed boards break and springs squeal. Give it a bit of a bounce before you get going or – better – just have sex on the floor. You might finally find that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure you lost under the dresser.

Your Parents' Bedroom

It’s human nature to want to break the rules and have sex your parents' bedroom. Don’t think about it too much and don’t do it either: You’re risking some truly profound weirdness if you get caught. The one exception to that rule: Go for it if your parents are out of the house and you’re confident that they’ll stay that way for a while. If they’re headed to a friend’s house, call and make sure that they made it. You’ll come across as thoughtful and you won’t need to pop Xanax like Viagra to calm your nerves. 

The (Shared) Bathroom

Ah, the one room truly built for privacy (and probably your best bet when trying to do it at home). Wake up early – ideally while the rest of the house is asleep – and have a quickie in the shower. To cover your tracks once you (both of you) have finished, have your significant other quietly exit and sneak back into bed while you continue to shower. Later, she can hop back in separately as if nothing ever happened. 

The Kitchen

Although sex in the kitchen can be sexy, let’s not taint (get it?) the counter tops your Grandmother uses to prepare her famous Christmas cookies. You really don’t want to have to explain how everyone got dysentery.

The Basement

While any dark corner will do, finished basements are basically suburban sex palaces. Pull the same move you did in high school and suggest you and your significant other “watch a movie” at the end of the night. This time, you’ll actually get lucky - and probably catch the credits. 

The Stairwell

If you grew up in a house, this is an extremely bad idea. If you grew up in a city, this may be your only choice. In any given apartment building, there’s usually at least one dimly lit section of stairs where you can cop a feel and snag a quick make out session. You may have to stick to foreplay, but you’ll take what you can get.

Your Car 

If your house is packed McCallister-style with loved ones eager to corner you and talk about how you should get married, have a kid, or diversify your portfolio, you’ll want to be proactive and offer to go on a booze run. If you have access to a car, you have have access to a hookup. Bring your significant other along for support and it will be a very merry Christmas.

Photos by Fabrice LeRouge / Getty Images