5 Hazardous (But Effective) Ways To Fight Back Against the Advancing Snow

For when an ergonomic shovel is simply not enough.

Much of the Northeast is blanketed in snow. Too much. This cold snap is no longer cute, no longer peaceful, and no longer acceptable. Boston school-children will be making up missed days well into July. Not okay.

It’s time to fight back, but how? How to assert some shred of power against the relentlessly pelting sky fluff? We have five great suggestions.

Flamethrower

With a flamethrower, you won’t just melt snow—you will sublimate it. Monster School Bus not required, but it definitely can’t hurt.

Industrial Snow Blower

When airports need to clear multiple runways in a hurry, they don’t fire up that thing with a Cuisinart motor you bought down at Ace Hardware. No, they rely on custom built, John Deere-based tractors that can blow snow one hundred feet.

Front-End Loader

The same machine that makes a great construction site earth-mover is also a savior to snow-bound cities. Plus, there’s nothing more satisfying than “accidentally” flattening your awful neighbor’s car.

Rally Car

Rally cars have 500-horsepower turbo engines, four-wheel drive and snow tires with inch-long spikes in them. To them, a snowy road isn’t an obstacle, but a playground.

A Tank

There’s nothing like a tracked military vehicle to aid you in your battle against the elements.