With beach season creeping around the corner, the damage of winter’s overindulging starts to show. Looking for a boost before you hit the sand? Need an extra push to crush that Tough Mudder? Want to learn an entire martial art in, like, a day? Look no further than the exercise regimens portrayed in your favorite ‘80s movie montages, guaranteed to fix everything in no longer than a Kenny Loggins song. But which one would give you the best workout? We did some research to give you the best burn.
Bloodsport is the quintessential Van Damme action flick. If you haven’t seen it, you’re not a man. If you’ve seen it more than once, run to the doctor, you may be growing a second penis. It’s centered around a badass illegal fighting tournament, and unsurprisingly includes a badass training montage as well.
Intensive hand to hand combat training
Catching fish with your bare hands
Having taut ropes pry your limbs apart
Serving someone dinner blindfolded while they occasionally take a swing at you
You’ll be in tip-top fighting shape by the end
All that meditation will make you incredibly relaxed
Now you can probably do this
Requires a little too much time with the trainer. Seriously dude, why do we have to eat dinner together?
4. Teen Wolf Too
Nope, that’s not the wrong “too,” the Teen Wolf sequel was just that clever. As if the premise of a teenage werewolf isn’t compelling enough, this movie has a Rocky-esque boxing storyline, complete with a montage to match.
Jumping rope with a wacky “fast forward” effect
You’re a werewolf
You’re a teenager
3. Chariots of Fire
Set around the 1924 Olympics, Chariots of Fire is a classic sports movie and thus has a classic training sequence. It’s the most exciting footage of white people running since Black Friday videos at Marshalls hit the internet.
Running with high knees
Long distance runs
Sprinting alongside a pack of about 30 small dogs
Running full speed next to a moving vehicle
Any extra pounds will melt right off
You're essentially getting yourself into Olympian shape
You’ll never have to worry about forgetting leg day ever again
Terrible on your joints, also if you follow the movie’s timeline, The Great Depression is right around the corner.
2. Over the Top
True to its name, Over The Top is about a truck driver who gains custody of his son through an arm wrestling competition. It’s not exactly Spielberg, but it is perfectly Stallone. This film is often dubbed “so bad it’s good,” and we agree with half of that statement.
What can only be described as an awkward father-son scuffle
Using an 18-wheeler grill to exercise biceps
Cable pulls while driving said truck
You can do the entire thing on the side of a highway while you pee
Will bring you closer to your estranged son
Your right arm will get huge
You're going to look like a chronic masturbator
But the winner is...
1. Rocky IV
In the fourth installment, Rocky triumphs over a Russian, ends Communism, and owns a talking robot. It couldn’t be more 1980s if he started a New Wave band with the Facts of Life girls. While surprisingly this one didn’t win the Oscar, it had one of the most epic training montages of all time.
Too many exercises to name, but most notably:
Doing sit-ups on the ceiling
Chopping fire wood
Lifting rocks via makeshift pulley
Lifting an ox-cart full of your friends
Running to the top of a mountain in the snow, then screaming
Ripping up pictures of your enemies, then gazing intensely at your own reflection
Gives you time to think about all the people you despise, plus you get to grow a sick "hate-beard."
Think of all the money you’ll save on a gym membership when your gym is a god damned MOUNTAIN.
Rocky IV is the best shape we’ve seen Rocky, although to be fair it’s also the most brain damaged.
Sitting alone in a cabin obsessing over your enemies isn’t the healthiest way to cope with anger. Luckily, you'll be able to beat the sh*t out of any egghead therapist who tries to point that out.