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5 Jobs You Can Actually Get With Your College Degree

Because did you really think “Gender Equality in Micronesia” was a booming field?

Good news, current and recent college students! Your interest rates on college loans are about to double, when you graduate half of you will work jobs that don’t even require degrees, and about 8 percent of you can just outright plan on being unemployed! Did we say “good news”? Sorry, we meant “Your dreams of leaving a better a future for your children and fulfilling your parents’ hopes of continuing and surpassing their legacy is doomed.” But only if you don’t adhere to the following advice! Yes, just because you picked a poor major doesn’t mean you can’t have a good career. Here are five degrees with some of the highest unemployment out of college, and what you can actually do with them (besides a career in your actual field of study, because that’s never going to happen).

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Major: Architecture
Career: Indie Video Game Level Design

According to a Georgetown study, you’re going to face a nearly 13 percent unemployment rate out of college – almost the highest of any college major. Fortunately, you’ve been taught a level of design and knowledge of material physics that would probably make most video game level designers cry liquid Mountain Dew. Architects learn about creative environmental building that has to function within a certain set of rules, like a video game. And architects learn production software that, though different from what a typical game designer uses, involves similar practical applications. Plus, you’re now limited to just your imagination, and not the tensile strength of reinforced concrete. While breaking into the traditional video game industry remains difficult, indie game developers are seeing an explosion in growth. You’ll probably be paid mostly in promises and Doritos, but you might strike it rich with the next Angry Birds or Plants vs. Zombies.

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Major: Information Systems
Career: NSA Operative

Whoops! Looks like all those people telling you STEM majors were the way to go were very, very wrong, because 14.7 percent of Information Systems majors are playing Everquest full-time these days. However, your major does involve the organizing and analyzing of reams of data. Guess who needs help with that? America’s favorite domestic surveillance agency, the NSA! They’re planning a Yottabyte data center to house 1,000,000,000,000,000 gigabytes-worth of telephone calls, email correspondence, and more. That’s probably enough room to record all of humanity’s interaction for eternity, but somebody has got to organize it! That somebody could be you! And, hey, maybe you can pull an Edward Snowden and leak some data so you can spend the rest of your life in a Moscow airport terminal. Fun!

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Major: Fine Arts
Career: Interior Design

If you chose a more artistic path in college, that Georgetown study puts your unemployment rate at a depressing 12.6 percent…but as little as 3.7 percent of interior designers face that same problem. Your knowledge of negative space, creative talent, and (hopefully) connections in the art and design world should make you an attractive candidate to rich folks so bored that they’re willing to throw oodles of money at people who position couches in Florida mansions. 

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Major: Film, Video, and Photographic Arts
Career: YouTube…Person

Sadly, 11.4 percent of you are professionally trained at taking selfies, but can’t find work. While you might have dreams of making it big at gallery shows or shooting The Godfather IV, these days every jerk with an iPhone thinks they’re a professional, so if you can’t beat the amateurs, join them. It’s hard to question the idea that YouTube is going to rival TV in both impact and income shortly – over three billion hours of YouTube videos are watched each month, and while a great deal of that is still America’s Funniest Home Videos-style crotch impacts, subscriber-based, network-style content is growing in popularity. As YouTube becomes more like TV, those skilled in cinematography, manipulating light, and video editing are going to supplement those amateurs who are now too popular and busy to continue handling that part of production themselves. Enter: You!  

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Major: Philosophy
Career: HR

What is the sound of 10.8 percent of philosophy majors collecting unemployment? Trick question – you actually need a job to begin with to get unemployment! But seriously, what better career path for a master of solipsism? Since you’ve never had a job, you probably think human resources is all about conflict resolution and thoroughly explaining health benefits to new employees…wrong! HR managers are masters of delivering cryptic announcements, nodding thoughtfully to longwinded complaints, and replying with verbiage that is somehow both reassuring and utterly non-committal, all while scanning thousands of resumes filled with meaningless titles and padded phrases in an effort to glean the inner truth. Sound familiar, Plato?

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