Owen Wilson follows Bill Murray's Garfield cash-grab lead by providing the titular voice in Marmaduke, opening this Friday. (It's the film version of the "beloved" comic strip that's gotten a lot of mileage out of a big dog who knocks shit over every day.) To say it looks "awful" is like saying the Gulf Coast is "kinda oily." But trust us, there are characters from the funnies who could put us through far worse feature-length waterboarding. Here are 10 that will have you screaming for the presses to stop.
10. Marvin
You know how "Garfield" is about a droll asshole cat? Well, "Marvin" is about a droll asshole baby! ...Who kinda looks like Garfield. And who's been a baby for going on 30 years now. (That's a lot of diaper-rash gags.) For a live-action movie, imagine Stewie from Family Guy on a horse tranquilizer + a far less cool Bruce Willis in Look Who's Talking...though nowhere near as entertaining as that sounds.
9. Rex Morgan, M.D.
One of the many, many strips that still has a home in newspapers thanks to the 80-year-olds who would flip and set afire their Rascals if it was removed, "Rex Morgan, M.D." recently had a storyline where the lead character didn't appear for five whole months. Maybe that's not such a bad thing, judging by the riveting dialogue above. (Paging Dr. Boringasfuck...)
8. Ziggy
It must sting to know that your greatest contribution to popular culture is being remembered for a throwaway line on The Simpsons. (Mr. Burns: "Oh Ziggy, will you ever win?") But we're sure Ziggy would just shrug his shoulders, pet a butterfly, and try and share a cookie with you. Now imagine that for 90 minutes on screen.
7. Funky Winkerbean
A strip that should hated on principle based solely on its title, the Funkmaster here hasn't been in circulation as long as stale stalwarts like Beetle Bailey and Blondie, but it has gone out of its way to showhorn in as many "real world" plots as possible. Because after reading about crime, war and poverty on the front page, we immediately want to see what a guy named friggin' Funky Winkerbean has to say about teen pregnancy, suicide and land mines in Afghanistan.
6. Shoe
As a kid, you probably attempted to read "Shoe" when it was sandwiched between things like "Hagar the Horrible" and that awful Spider-Man strip. But then you realized it made no sense beyond revolving around a bunch of pissed-off old birds dressed randomly like insurance salesmen, aviators and wizards. The motion picture version of that would have about as much charm as your artsy cousin's four-hour long student films.
More strip teases after clicking the Page 2 link below...
5. Frank & Ernest
A strip about two oafish slobs who constantly make puns? Without any sort of sequential story? Actually, this would fly just fine in Hollywood. Definite box office gold.
4. Snuffy Smith
The makers of this strip (and all the newspapers that mindbogglingly continue to run it, 90 years after its creation) must have confused hillbilly humor's "staying power" with "Didn't this shit stop being funny decades ago?" We can't help but wonder what the hell a Snuffy Smith movie could possibly entail. Neglected, malnourished children in 3D? Still, nice rack on Ma there.
3. Cathy
Proof that there are worse things than Sex & the City movies for those of us who have testicles and enjoy vaginas, a film version of "Cathy" would be akin to getting kicked downstairs by every single annoying stereotype about women for an hour and a half. After all, this is a strip that actually had a collection titled Shoes: Chocolate for the Feet. And to the dude hanging out with Cathy above: My man, what the eff are you doing?! You don't have to settle.
2. The Lockhorns
"The Lockhorns" serves as a daily reminder that marriage is nothing but two assholes making an unending series of caustic and belittling comments at each other. It even used to make frequent domestic violence jokes (where the husband or the wife would show up with black eyes, always for comedic effect), so the Lockhorns somehow outdo wife-beating drunk Andy Capp in the "How is this funny?" department. At least Andy Capp has those tasty hot fries.
1. Calvin & Hobbes
Awful strip? Don't be ridiculous. We just love it too much to see it get turned into some crap flick that would either be too "aimed at kids who eat paste" or too "true to the author's version" (heavy-handed Where the Wild Things Are, anyone?). Stay away, Hollywood; stay far, far away. We know where you live.