These are the sidekicks who don’t need kicking
The role of sidekick is to make the hero look more heroic and say things like, “Good one, Sherlock Holmes!” But a few sidekicks are much more interesting, dynamic, cooler, stronger, funnier and awesomer than the hero.
Luigi > Mario
He’s in better shape, he’s taller, he can jump higher, and HE HAS A GHOSTBUSTING VACUUM CLEANER. How the hell is Luigi the sidekick here? Princess Peach must have a thing for short tubby guys. If we were Luigi, we’d have flushed Mario’s head down the can, called it a fatal plumbing incident and gone solo years ago. Of course, if we were really Luigi, we’d be too busy running around in traffic under the influence of Power Stars to even think of that plan, but you know what we mean.
Kato > The Green Hornet
Imagine if Batman was goofy and Alfred was a young Asian man. What sounds like horrible, sexy fan fiction is actually the basic premise for The Green Hornet. Kato (Bruce Lee) kicked ass back in the 1960s series. Had the recent Seth Rogen movie included a little more new Kato (Jay Chou) and a lot less Rogen, it would still kind of suck...but it would suck less.
Hit Girl > Kick-Ass and Big-Daddy
Photo: Lionsgate | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Little kid assassins are always fun, and Hit Girl stole the show in this movie. That’s no easy task, considering the movie also includes jetpacks. But the science doesn’t lie: Hit Girl is greater than Jetpacks and Nicolas Cage and whoever that guy was who played Kick-Ass.
George Costanza > Jerry Seinfeld
Be it Festivus or Frogger, George always had the best moments on Seinfeld. You could safely cut everything to do with Jerry out of that show, re-name it Costanza and it’d be the greatest show in history. We’d send that show into space to prove to alien civilizations we’d reached the pinnacle of humor and they’d travel 70 million light years just to say, “OH MY GOD HE KILLED SUSAN!”
Samwise > Frodo
In the following story, tell us who’s the hero, and who’s the whiny little bitch of a sidekick: Two guys go on a long, perilous mission. One of them remains stouthearted and steadfast all the way through, saves his friend’s life on multiple occasions and keeps his head even when all seems lost, shouldering the burden when it most needs shouldering. The other one acts like a shifty heroin addict going through a painful withdrawal. Yeah, we’re confused on this one, too. Oh Sam...
Garth > Wayne
He’s the better musician, he’s a technological genius, he speaks dog (“What is it, girl? Aliens have kidnapped Wayne? Oh, I misunderstood. Wayne’s outside. Thanks, girl.”), and he knows the only way to disarm a henchman is to take the batteries out of his torch. Garth is the real star attraction here – by comparison, Wayne is just an ice cream that tastes of pralines and dick.
Spock > Kirk
Spock operated from a position of pure logic. Kirk operated from a position that was mostly bent over, banging an alien slave girl in the bathroom of the Starship Enterprise. He also didn’t wear a girdle under his uniform, and even if he did, you wouldn’t laugh, because he can kill you just by giving you a neck massage. Meanwhile, Kirk’s best offensive weapon was a petri dish full of his own cultured space-chlamydia.
Pinky > The Brain
Tonto > The Lone Ranger
When the biggest star in Hollywood wants to play the sidekick, you know that sidekick is a billion times better than the hero. But even before Johnny Depp agreed to play Tonto in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie, we still loved the single-named western warrior over the Loner. First, his name is awesome and not confusing (Why would the Lone Ranger have friends?). Second, he doesn’t hide behind a tiny Halloween mask. And third, his name inspired this.
Andy Richter > Conan O’Brien
Remember that time Conan joked about being pale? We love the C-man, but Andy is the reason to watch the show because you never know what the hell he’s going to say.
Gleek > The Wonder Twins and all the Super Friends (Yes, even Batman)
Batman is a sad, rich orphan. Superman is a rule-loving dork. Wonder Woman is a bore. And the Wonder Twins are just weird. But Gleek? He’s a space monkey. That is all. He is a space monkey. Christopher Nolan, get this guy into a movie asap!