The former That ’70s Show stoner and current Predators ass-kicker muses on his last day.
So how do you want to go?
Quickly.
Will you be going to heaven or hell?
I’m terrible with directions, so I’ll probably just end up at Chipotle, which most people don’t know is situated directly between the two. It’s like the afterlife’s Barstow.
Your Predators character committed a heinous crime. What’s the biggest legal trouble you’ve been in?
I was in Washington State this one time and I got in a little argument with the sheriff. Teasle was his name, I think. Yeah, Teasle. He insulted me, and I have a serious temper sometimes. I swear to you, I made it my mission to take on Teasle and the whole town’s police force using only the savage survival skills I learned in Vietnam. What’s that? Oh, you’re right. That’s the plot of Rambo.
Since it’s a sequel to the original Predator, do you worry Arnold Schwarzenegger may hunt you down if he doesn’t like it?
I’m sure he will. He’s still pissed that I got the role in Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! over him.
If you could come back and spy on one of your That ’70s Show cast mates, who would it be and why?
What do you mean “if”? I’m spying on that redheaded chick as we speak.
What dead person would you most like to sit around the basement table with, That ’70s Show style?
George Washington. Get him tripping balls and then tell him all about America in the year 2010. That dude would be losing his shit.
What book do you most regret not finishing?
Mommy, Daddy, Where Do Babies Come From? I really regret that one.
What is your proudest accomplishment?
My first kiss. I was so nervous. It was at the movies, and I leaned over and kissed 16-year-old Jessica Dunkleman. I even remember the name of the movie: Avatar.
You’ve gotten to romance a lot of leading ladies on-screen…Kate Bosworth, Scarlett Johansson, Laura Prepon. Which actress gave you a kiss that will linger in your memory beyond the grave?
I’d be stupid to choose one publicly, so I’ll just say Annie Hathaway; her boyfriend is a good friend of mine, and it will piss him off. P.S. Julia Stiles is no slouch, either.
What are people saying over your casket?
Tobey Maguire’s dead?
Got any last words?
Journalists of the future: Please do not quote any of this in my obituary. (Especially the part about George Washington tripping balls.)