They all have daughters, and they all consider you expendable.
Father’s day is upon us, and for some guys, that doesn’t just mean dealing with you’re your own dad; it means dealing with a potential future father-in-law. That’s right – if you like her, sooner or later you’re going to have to meet her folks, and that’s when things can get awkward. Making a good impression on your potential father-in-law is a social minefield fraught with potential for disaster. What if he’s a hard-ass combat vet? What if he’s an ivy-league wasp? Dear God, what if he’s a clown? Well cheer up, bub. No matter how paranoid your expectations, you can at least be thankful that your girlfriend’s dad isn’t one of these guys…
Bryan Mills from Taken
Bryan, a retired spy and all-round badass, has a particular set of skills, most of which involve very little gardening or light carpentry, and an awful lot of killing you in all manner of terrible ways if you so much as even think about his daughter in a sexual way. Considering Bryan’s lethal grasp of Kung Fu, sharp shooting, and gravelly threat-making, you’d best just consider his daughter’s vagina an official no-fly zone. If you still feel like taking her out on a dinner-date for some Albanian cuisine, just make sure that you get her home on time, otherwise you’re at least partially responsible for the mass shooting of the wait staff and for the maître d’ being hooked up to the mains.
Walter White from Breaking Bad
Walter White was a gentle educator until a bout with cancer transformed him into the Lex Luthor of meth dealing. Ruthless, prideful, and intelligent, it’s only his family ties that stop him becoming the kind of villain you’d find at the end of a Capcom beat ‘em up. So if he miraculously survives the next season and, years from now, your date should bring you home to daddy and you find yourself being carefully grilled by Heisenberg himself, watch how you speak, because his enemies have a way of winding up in a barrel of hydrofluoric acid. On the other hand, don’t get too friendly, because his business partners don’t fare too well either - it’s a lose-lose situation, really.
John Matrix from Commando
John Matrix is an average all-American guy who just happens to look like he was stitched together from a whole platoon of Spartan warriors. Also, being ex-Delta force, he keeps his shed nicely stocked with automatic weaponry, you know, just in case. Just in case what, you ask? Just in case you give him a reason to open his shed. If you’re gonna take his girl out, just remember to ask first, because the last time someone took her out without his permission (and, admittedly, kept her chained to a radiator), he responded by murdering approximately 7,000 people.
Darth Vader from Star Wars
Providing she’s not your sister, the haughty chick rocking the gold bikini is definitely worth meeting the parents for... even if her dad happens to be the head of the deep space equivalent of the S.S. That said, if he gets on the subject of religion, it’s best to just nod and smile politely - atheism just isn’t a viable philosophy in a world where you can be choked to death through a Skype connection. Don’t think you can charm him, either - this guy cut his own son’s hand off over political differences, so he’ll have no qualms giving you a prostate exam with a lightsaber if you get lippy. Long story short, if you’re still thinking about taking his little princess out on a date, then you’d best make sure you’re piloting the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy.
Ming The Merciless from Flash Gordon
His daughter may be hotter than the Fire Lands, but is she worth having brunch with egotistical tyrant and Interplanetary sex-pest Ming the Merciless? Bear in mind, if he’ll happily eat snacks while watching his own daughter get tortured, he’s not going to think twice about blasting you to atoms. But then, it’s not just that Ming enslaves his world with cruel totalitarianism, it’s the fact that there’s something a little… off about his whole personal life. Is it that his elite guards all wear gimp masks? That he keeps dwarfs on a length of chain? That he demands his executed prisoners wear black leather underpants? It’s probably a subtle mixture of all those things that tell you that Ming isn’t a man you want to be enemies with, although, honestly, when it comes to organizing your bachelor party, you could do worse.
Check out 4 Fathers & Sons Who Played Fathers & Sons in Movies and the 2013 Dads & Grads Gift Guide.