Ever wanted to live in the movies? Well, not anymore.
We all know going to the movies is about escaping the monotony of your day-to-day when, just for example, Howard from IT pours the last of the coffee and DOESN’T REFILL THE POT, AGAIN. You kill the joe, you make some mo’, you inconsiderate shit! Um, anyway, movies take us away from our everyday lives and put us into extraordinary situations where we can find a ring with some Hobbits, build a crime family with the Corleones, destroy the Death Star, or, well, do the porn versions of any of those things. And that’s why, common sense be damned, Hollywood has made movies of even the most mind-numbingly boring stories. So sit back, relax, and pour yourself a nice, hot, cup of coff…goddammit, HOWARD!
Courtesy of Universal Studios
Director Bryan Bertino has conflicting stories as to the origins of The Strangers. He’s said that it’s based on the Manson killings (because that’s certainly not well-trodden ground) and the unsolved Keddie cabin murders of 1981. The director has also cited an incident that happened to him as a child, in which men knocked on his door and asked for directions, but were actually checking to see if anyone was home in order to break into houses. And then, in a cruel and unexpected twist, they neither broke in nor murdered anybody. Not a single murder. We’re actually also writing a movie – it’s about an unstoppable, worldwide earthquake that ravishes the globe and causes widespread chaos and death. It’s based on the time that our college roommate accidentally dropped our bong.
Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
This is the story of a runaway train, but not just any runaway train, a DEADLY runaway train, as well as the two incredibly handsome conductors – Chris Pine and Denzel Washington - charged with stopping it. They succeed, at the last possible minute of course, and are celebrated as train-stopping heroes presumably always are: with a 2-for-1 appetizer coupon to Bennigan’s. In reality, there was a runaway train, although significantly less deadly, that was stopped – although significantly less dramatically. In fact, even the stopping the train part was boring, and had to be done incrementally over a number of miles so that the train didn't come apart. Because that would have been exciting, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? At press time we could not confirm if the real train-stopping heroes ended their day at Bennigan’s, but rest assured we are working tirelessly to get you that information.
Courtesy of Warner Bros.
If you vividly remember Keanu Reeves movies (and who doesn’t?!) you’ll remember this was the story of a group or rag-tag misfits (aren’t they always) who take over a pro football squad during a players strike. They finish out the season with three wins in order to bring their team to the playoffs, including beating a team of professionals who crossed the picket line. In reality, the ’87 Redskins started the season with replacement players, winning their first three games before the dispute was put to bed and the replacement players went off to do whatever washed-up NFL players do. And the best part is, in order to get the Redskins in pole position, the replacement players had to beat...wait for it...other replacement players! Huzzah, terrible players! You beat other terrible players!
Courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures
Every kid with a dream of hurdling down a giant icy slide loved Disney’s inspirational take on the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team’s quest to overcome adversity. In truth, the story had a whole lot less adversity in real life. The Jamaicans were beloved underdogs in the Calgary games, that much is true. However, they were assembled by Americans – not failed sprinters - none of the characters are based on real bobsledders (not even Sanka!), and they never got into a bar fight with the ominously evil East German team. In fact, the world community welcomed Jamaica, even lending them sleds so that they could compete. But hey, who would ever want to see a movie about friendship?
The Straight Story
Courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures
The Straight Story is David Lynch’s telling of Alvin Straight’s 240-mile journey on a lawnmower from Iowa to Wisconsin to see his brother. It’s warm, uplifting, and, honestly, pretty boring. Especially when you know that it came from the guy who is usually responsible for shit like this.