Will Smith’s new movie After Earth comes out this week, and it gives us all yet another example of what horrible fate may befall mankind in the next few centuries. And though the charred remains featured in After Earth don’t look like a lot of fun, many post-apocalyptic scenarios actually look preferable to the world we’re living in now. Here are five wastelands we’d rather be living in:
In the world of Wall-E, life has gotten a lot easier. Your whole existence is one long cruise, where you roll around on a mobile lounge chair and eat nothing but food-flavored milkshakes. There's always a screen in front of you to provide constant entertainment, and you can change your clothes at the push of a button. Literally everything is done for you; in this future, they've also found a way to eliminate much of the needless hard labor that human beings have been doing for centuries, such as gardening, or standing up. We heard somewhere that this movie was supposed to be some kind of warning about what the human race might turn into if we don’t stop stuffing our fat faces with shit from Walmart, but as far as we can see, the Wall-E dudes live in paradise. Think about it - there's no war, no starvation, and no need to get up to take a dump. Paradise indeed.
All of existence has turned into a huge demolition derby, and we couldn’t be more excited about it. The Mad Max world is just flat–out awesome - all you do is drive around in sports cars and dune buggies and try to find the best way to trick them out with weapons. Want spikes on your dune buggy? Go ahead! Want dart launchers on your tow truck? Sure, why not! The only downside to this future is that there’s a fuel shortage, so you’re constantly in danger of getting brutally murdered for your gas tank, but what the hell – we’d rather live one week as an axe-wielding road warrior than a lifetime as a pointless, flabby desk jockey.
The Matrix is one future we’re all hoping for; rather than just stay at home in your underwear and play videogames on weekends, you get to spend 24/7 buck naked and plugged directly into the greatest video game ever made. Inside the Matrix you get sweet '90s-style leather clothes, a limitless supply of guns, women in red dresses aplenty, and it’s finally socially acceptable to wear sunglasses indoors. The one thing we never understood about this movie is why Neo and the others wanted to get out of the Matrix so badly. Why trade the sweet-ass simulation you’ve just figured out all the cheat codes to for some bleak reality where you have to hide out in a broken-down ship to avoid capture by squid robots? Someone or other once said, “Give me liberty, or give me death.” Well, after seeing what liberty looks like in that future, we’d much rather have the Matrix.
I Am Legend
What's the number one complaint people have about New York City? The people are rude? The subway smells like shit? The rent is ridiculous? The fact that the damned George Washington Bridge costs $15 just to get across it - it's insane, how could it possibly cost that …oh, right, sorry. No, the number one complaint about New York is congestion, and in I Am Legend, all of that is gone. Times Square is finally free of slow-moving traffic, idiotic pedestrians who don't watch where they're going, and Sesame Street characters looking to grope your kids. It's become a barren playground that you can have all to yourself, and pretty much all of NYC is yours for the taking. You can even blow up a bunch of cars at Washington Square Park without the police harassing you! In short, New York is totally changed for the better. Well, except for the nightlife – the movie version is stuffed with endless, jabbering zombies who’ll happily trample you to death just because you got in their way, which is pretty much exactly the same as it is in real life.
Planet of the Apes
One word: Monkeys. Talking monkeys, monkeys wearing clothes, monkeys with guns, monkey doctors, monkey scientists, monkey astronauts, monkeys with eye-patches, sexy monkey women, and, the very best of all, monkeys riding horses. Truth is, we’d do just about anything to see a monkey ride a horse. Who cares if the whole human race has been killed or enslaved? Those guys were dicks anyway. Just seeing a monkey on a horse makes it all worthwhile. Ever since man discovered monkeys and horses, we’ve dreamed of combining the two, but the creatures would never really cooperate, so it’s nice to know that in at least one possible future for Earth, the dream has become a reality. And, on the off chance you’re not impressed by this (you freak), there’s plenty of other things to do on the Planet of the Apes. Take the Statue of Liberty, for example – it’s now free to visit, and you don’t even have to wait in line.