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Alone in the Dark

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We know it's early, but it's official: Alone in the Dark is the funniest movie of 2005. Starting with its rambling, two-minute scrolling-text introduction—that's also read aloud for anyone too slow to keep pace—every line of this video game adaptation will have you howling with delight. The senses-bludgeoning experience begins with paranormal investigator Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) battling his inner demons while toting around an ancient artifact that looks a lot like a foam rock. In order to use this foam rock for good, he must track down his ex-flame and "brilliant anthropologist" Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) to decode its magical powers and keep it out of the wrong hands. Before they can decipher the code, but after they enjoy the cheesiest sex romp since Team America, they're forced into action by rabid dogs, random zombies, and a meager budget that runs out of set designs. With the help of the FBI (led by Stephen Dorff), they must contend with nasty elements looted from a variety of Hollywood's most recent scary movies—mutant dogs (Resident Evil), mindless zombies (28 Days Later), pre-boob-job Tara Reid (Van Wilder)—and save the world. The story may not make sense, and it may star three late-night punch lines, and the effects may be worse than the original PlayStation video game, but one thing's for sure: It's almost better than Kuffs.