With temperatures rising and wars raging, we know things aren't good. But we don't need some self-important celebrity preaching to the choir.
Perry Farrell- We all want to live in a world we can breathe in, but try reading one of Perry's recent interviews without wanting to burn all the coal you can get your hands on. It's "carbon neutral" this and "green energy" that. He's now vowing to become a completely digital artist to create less waste from music packaging. Thank God, 'cause those 300 copies of Satellite Party's Ultra Payloaded were going to be the straw that broke the polar ice cap's back.
Anderson Cooper- Katrina was a total disaster and it would've been terrible to witness it firsthand, so we don't really have a problem with Coop's on-air breakdown. But did CNN have to show it every 30 seconds? We get it, he has feelings. We also get that marketing a tragedy for ratings is up there with pushing old ladies down stairs and stepping on people's heads when they're drowning.
Geraldo Rivera- If there's one thing worse than a mildly effeminate man crying at a tragedy, it's a mustachioed former talk show host (of the Sally Jessy Raphael variety) pushing a real-life rescue worker out of the way in order to be filmed aiding a wheelchair-bound Katrina survivor. The maniacal, Machiavellian Geraldo denies all this…while cackling to himself and dastardly stroking his mustache, of course.
Richard Gere- One way to get flag-waving Americans to actually give a shit about Tibet's autonomy is by making kick-ass music, à la the Beastie Boys. One way to make all those same supporters do an immediate about-face is by sicking the male lead of Chicago on 'em, and then allowing the gray-haired pretty boy to wax equal parts sappy and bombastic about freedom. (Hell, we'd rather listen to Toby Keith). Now the former gigolo is urging Americans to boycott next summer's Beijing Olympics. To which we respond: "Human rights violations be damned, Gere, we got ourselves a case of gold fever, yeehaaaw!"
Tim Robbins/Susan Sarandon- This unwed duo has apparently been trying to make up for living in sin all these years by supporting every liberal cause in the book: protesting the Iraq war at rallies in D.C. among "common folk," backing unelectable presidential candidate Ralph Nader, and constantly spewing antiglobalization rhetoric. Too bad Sarandon didn’t actually drive off that cliff in Thelma & Louise; and here’s hoping Robbins goes back to making good flicks like Bull Durham.
Madonna- In recent years, ol’ Madge has been on a crusade to class up an image that’s been tarnished by affairs with Dennis Rodman and Vanilla Ice, public nudity, shitty music, and even shittier acting. After becoming a mother, moving to England, and masking her hybrid Michigan–New York City whine with a fake British accent, the blonde-haired strumpet adopted (stole?) an African baby boy from his loving father, all in the name of goodwill. Who is guessing the little tyke’s head winds up stuffed and mounted to the wall in her mansion’s big African game room?
Angelina Jolie- This former bad girl with a penchant for collecting exotic ethnic babies gave up swapping blood vials with Billy Bob Thornton in favor of helping global refugees (not to mention endlessly boasting about it). In our book, the only person to ever benefit from Angelina’s spotlight-hogging do-gooding was Brad Pitt, when she lured him away from Jennifer Aniston with her hotness.
Bono- What do you do when your once-edgy band starts rocking middle-aged suburbanites at arena tours? If you’re a blowhard like Bono, you start beating a dead horse about all the starving Africans. Yo, Bono, we’ve seen the swollen stomachs and glazed-over eyes, but we’ll be damned if your preaching is gonna make us part with our mid-afternoon Jamba Juice break.
Pearl Jam- They go on and on about the environment, abortion crap, and gun control, but back in 1994 PJ canceled their summer tour in an attempt to save the concertgoing public from Ticketmaster's price-gouging. After going all the way to the justice department to plead their case, the flannel lads totally stuck it to Ticketmaster by losing their case a year later. Ticketmaster was pretty much unaffected.
Starbucks' Ethos Water- You pay about $1.80 for a bottle of this shitty water because Starbucks is sending a "portion" of the money to help someone somewhere. But that "portion" is a measly 5 cents. Wow, Starbucks. You guys are really tightening the belt.
Sean Penn- Sure Sean Penn did some cool things back in the day: He banged Madonna (when she was still cheap and hot looking), starred in the teen classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and constantly scuffled with the paparazzi. These days, however, Penn’s channeled his hotheadedness into political activism, writing convoluted open letters to the Bush Administration (hearing him read one was akin to watching his performance in I Am Sam), allying with outspoken U.S. opponent Hugo Chavez, and driving a boat around a flooded, hurricane-ravaged New Orleans like it was a damn movie set.