Dean: Hi. My name is Dean Solomon. Here are a few tips to help you get—and keep—the woman of your dreams.

10. Do not kill a woman's pet. Women love their animals, so killing or assisting in the killing of a woman's pet—especially on a first date—is a no-no.

9. Do not injure a woman's pet. This one is very similar to number 10. Women love their animals, so injuring or assisting in the injuring of a woman's pet is also a no-no.

8. Do not kill a woman's injured pet. Even if a pet is well on its way to death, assisting in its death could be the difference between a successful and unsuccessful first date. Just let nature take its course, and patiently wait for death.

7. Do have unprotected sex with a woman's pet. This is a good way to show that you are pro-pet and a woman will appreciate this. I think. Wait, I'm gonna check on this one with my brother, John. He's in the other room... Oh crap, wait. Strike this one. What I mean is:

6. Do have PROTECTED sex with a woman's pet. THIS is a good way to show a woman that you are pro-pet and a woman will appreciate... OK, wait, John is saying something from the other room... OK, strike that one, too.

5. Do NOT have sex with a woman's pet under MANY circumstances. I guess most circumstances are not right for bestiality, but there are some cases in which pet sex can be a total plus and... Wait, hang on a sec. What, John?... John thinks I'm doing a bad job... Well, John, if you think you can give better dating tips than me, have a go at it! I'll just take a walk outside.

John: Dean, where are you going? Come on, don't be like that! Dean? Hi. I'm John Solomon. Sorry for the confusion. Here are a few tips to help you get—and keep—the woman of your dreams.

4. Do NOT have sex with a woman's pet under ANY circumstances. There are many ways to show a woman that you are pro-pet that do not involve full or partial insertion.

3. Buy her a bra. There is nothing that symbolizes the type of support you can give a woman like buying her a fancy new or used (but in very good condition) bra.

2. Give her calf implants. This is a great way to show her that you're into improving things that are not perfect and that you have a pretty decent amount of money—because those things are not cheap.

1. Name her vagina after your favorite president. This will not only show that you're a hopeless romantic, but also that you are politically active. (And by the way, either Bush is a cop-out)