9. TOY SOLDIERS
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard with richer parents!"
The problem with this "terrorists take over a privileged prep school" flick is that, well, who gives a crap if these twerps eat the business end of an AK? Especially when one of them is Wil Wheaton, for crying out loud. You've got to give us something else to care for besides Louis Gossett Jr. (What can we say? Could you say no to those eyes?)



8. SUDDEN DEATH
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard for Canadians!"
Jean-Claude Van Damme has to battle the world's most ill informed terrorists—seriously, holding a hockey game hostage? You could walk out onto the ice and shoot Mario Lemieux point-blank in the face and SportsCenter still wouldn't cover it. These guys would have been better off calling everyone who actually gets the Versus channel and threatening them personally.



7. CON AIR
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard with wings!"
Despite a cast that blows Die Hard's out of the water (we see your William Atherton and raise you JOHN "FUCKING" MALKOVICH), Con Air was still just the same formula given enough twists and turns to make you think it was original ("You see, the hero is a criminal, and the villains are other criminals, and there are mullets and rapists and… Hey, where are you going?").



6. UNDER SIEGE
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard with a thicker waistline…on a boat!"
Bonus: "The sequel will be Die Hard on a choo-choo!"
Steven Seagal is the one Navy cook you don't want to mess with, because he's so stuffed with pancake batter and raw cookie dough that his breath alone can raise your cholesterol to dangerous levels. Under Siege pushed the Die Hard formula out to sea, then returned with an all new outmoded form of transportation (a train) for Under Siege 2. If they had made a third, the pitch line would have been "Die Hard on a Ford Model T!"



5. THE TRANSPORTER
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard with tremendous BMW cross-branding possibilities!"
Jason Statham wants to be Bruce Willis so badly it's almost embarrassing to watch. Like a YouTube video of some kid singing an Usher song. His Die Hard rip-off was definitely more mobile—while on the run he rides everything from a BMW to a Jet Ski to a hot Asian chick—but Statham forgot when John McClane threw down with bad guys, he fought "street." He didn't smear his shirtless chest with oil and wrap his "hose" around dudes.