4. PASSENGER 57
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard, only 'more urban'!"
Obviously concerned that Die Hard's black population was pushed to the sidelines and given nothing to do except crack vaults, pimp out teddy bears, and get fatter, Passenger 57 put Wesley Snipes in Bruce Willis' shoes. They must have thought that, like Con Air, an airplane would be much cooler than an office building. It's just a shame that "Always bet on black" is both a lame catchphrase and an affront to the civil rights movement all in one.




3. AIR FORCE ONE
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard with the majority of electoral votes!"
Sure Air Force One also thought a plane would be a nifty idea, but it does up the ante by making the hero not some schlubby cop but the president of the United States (and Harrison Ford). You just know that Dubya puts this movie on every morning and runs around his bedroom with a cap gun while Cheney begrudgingly pretends to be Gary Oldman.



2. CRANK
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard on crystal meth!"
"What if the hero isn't trying to disarm a bomb…? What if HE IS THE BOMB?!?" "Get that wannabe British Bruce Willis and make sure Amy Smart removes that 'no abject humiliation' clause in her contract and we are a go!" Die Hard may have occasionally pushed its action scenes "over the top," but Crank hurdles "over the top," lands in a shoulder roll, snorts a line of coke, masturbates, and then keeps going even further. It's actually really impressive.




1. SPEED
Pitch line: "It's Die Hard on a bus!"
Bonus: "The sequel will be Die Hard with Legionnaires'!"
We have to admit, being trapped in a high-rise office building is pretty bad, but being stuck on a two-ton lumbering hunk of metal barreling down the street at 55 mph with no brakes really makes for a bad day. Keanu Reeves seriously proved his action hero chops, and wisely bailed before Speed 2 decided that a luxury cruise liner would be just as neat as a bus. (It's not.)