American Pie

It's something all young males have to contend with during their formative years: You have needs welling up in your crotchal region, yet you are crippled by lack of adult cable channels and a set of parents who refuse to knock. You'll never be able to say "put a sock in it" in front of mom again.

Superbad

That first foray into sex is almost always, without fail, a sticky mess of fumbled gropes and even more fumbled "dirty talk." Superbad nails it so well, our feelings of embarrassment almost outweigh our sense-memory horniness.

Sixteen Candles

Freshman year. You arrive so full of hope and wonder and sexual naivety that paying a buck to stare at some random chick's underwear like it's the Ark of Covenant seems 100% normal. C'mon—it's underwear. That's been on a chick.

Sex Drive

Two words: baby steps. You've just graduated from handjobs and hickeys, there's no way you leap from that right into "rolling brownouts." Allow yourself some time to build up a decent bank of sexual depravity before you go exploring those muddy waters.

Van Wilder

Van Wilder makes a very good point here. Almost as important as knowing how to deploy your little soldier into coldcut valley is knowing how to spout some jargon. Taj gives you a few great jumping off points. Wax that shit, man. Wax it.

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Everyone's been there: You eke out a living working at a fast food chain that requires you to dress like a pirate, only to come home and see your younger sister's smoking hot bikini-clad friend frolicking in your pool. What's a high school senior to do? Masturbate, that's what.

Weird Science

We spent much of our youth imagining women and then ravishing them in our pervvy minds. Who hasn't? But having the brains to actually build your own dream girl in the flesh doesn't mean you'll have the gumption to perform sexy time in real life. Had we been in Gary and Wyatt's shoes, we're sure we would have also quivered in the hotness of Kelly LeBrock.

Revenge of the Nerds

Any inadequate teenage nerd knows the only way into a hot girl's pants is via trickery. That's why uber-dweeb Louis Skolnick refuses to remove his Darth Vader mask when bedding down campus cutie Betty Childs, who later becomes his girlfriend, proving that, yes, 80s movie audiences were totally cool with consequence-free rape in their comedies.

Porky's

Had we known that all it took were a bunch of sweaty gym shorts and a few unwashed tee-shirts to get laid, we'd still be lurking in laundry rooms across the country.

Road Trip

There comes a point in every young virgin's life when he stops holding out for the pin up girl of his dreams and settles for the 800lb mammoth that's willing to give him his wings. And you know what? It feels just as good.