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Can Maxim Survive 12 Straight Hours Of Twilight?

Five horrible movies, several hundred squealing fans, one very pissed off Maxim writer: It’s the Twilight Torture Test!

The good news? The Twilight books and movies are officially a part of pop culture’s shabby past, now that the last of the five films is officially in theaters. The bad news? Maxim made me endure its last stand, forcing me to watch all five movies back to back in a theater crowded with squealing, hormonal Twi-Hards. What follows is a long, agonizing crawl to the finish line in a race filled with screaming prepubescent girls, gratuitous images of Taylor Lautner’s abs and endless mugs of beer that, all things considered, did very little to easy my pain. This is my Twilight Torture Test: Please, pity me.

10:30 a.m.
I head off to the theater and start praying very hard for a massive four-lane pileup for the first time in my life. In case you hadn’t guessed, I am not looking forward to this.

11:10 a.m.
I arrive at the theater, grab my ticket and am ecstatic to learn that this movie theater has a fully stocked bar. I start my day with several massive glasses of Shiner Boch and a couple shots of Crown Royal neat, the breakfast of champions people with nothing left to live for. 

11:45 a.m.
The theater is packed to the rafters with giggly tweens and their long-suffering parents. It makes me sad when I realize this is a school day. As Whitney Houston once pointed out: “Children are our future.” Although she may have changed her mind if she’d seen this shit-storm. Eventually, the lights go down and the screen lights up.

11:46 a.m.
Good Lord. A minute in and I already want to die. The kids in this high school are the whitest people I’ve ever seen and we haven’t even gotten to the vampire stuff yet.

11:55 a.m.
Edward, aka Robert Pattinson, makes his first appearance in the movie and the audience swoons. The level of estrogen is rising so high that a passing uterus sticks its head in the door to tell the audience to man up. 

12 p.m.
Everyone in this movie has the same facial expression. Bella, aka Kristen Stewart, constantly looks like she’s just got back from a double root canal and is still numb from the hairline down.

12:17 p.m.
Now I know these movies are completely full of shit. Edward rescues Bella from a gang of ruffians by doing a 180° spin in a four-cylinder Dodge Avenger. If this were real life, the car would have finished half a turn and stalled, giving the gang ample time to wreck the car and beat the tar out of Edward. The next scene would have featured Edward trying to explain to the rental car place how failing to save your girlfriend from a street gang is totally covered by the insurance policy, and it still would’ve been a more entertaining movie.

12:35 p.m.
I laugh out loud when Edward calls Bella “my own personal heroin.” I just know if I did that to a girl, there isn’t a law enforcement agency in this nation that wouldn’t grant her a restraining order. Also: I’m now craving heroin.

12:57 p.m.
I have to admit that watching Bella’s dad load the shotgun before meeting her new boyfriend was pretty fun. Mostly because a small, optimistic part of me hoped we were watching the director’s cut where Edward gets his head blown off in the first movie, and I can just go home. But, obviously, no such luck.

1:10 p.m.
Edward tells Bella she is “my life now.” I would love to know if he’s still saying that after 20 years of soul crushing marriage and three lil’ vampires nipping at their heels.

1:40 p.m.
The credits roll. That’s one down, four to go. My nerves are on edge. My hair is a sweaty mess, and thanks to the alcohol, I feel nauseous and I’m not even close to being hungover yet. My main problem is knowing there’s more to come, and I can’t even begin to imagine how they’ll stretch whatever plot is left over four more movies. There is already literally nothing interesting that can happen to these characters.

2 p.m.
I head back to the theater after grabbing a snack (I need comfort food!) and can hear the sound of twisted metal crashing and exploding in the theater across the hall. It’s playing Skyfall and another part of me dies as I realize I have to watch Twilight: New Moon instead. I also realize I’m the only guy in the theater who is totally not getting laid tonight, even though he voluntarily watched all five Twilight movies. That sucks.

2:10 p.m. 
I’m pretty low on “man-cards” at this point and don’t want to lose another for criticizing the makeup, but these people are wearing so much white pancake that it’s starting to feel like it should be offensive to white people.

2:13 p.m.
We get our first glimpse of the new Jacob, aka Taylor Lautner, and I finally get why women are obsessed with the Twilight movies. Say what you will about guys and porn, but at least we don’t pretend we watch Kayden Kross’ movies for the enthralling stories.

2:40 p.m.
Bella takes her breakup from Edward harder than most prisoners of war take physical torture. Is she really just going to sit in the same chair for an entire year, staring at the same spot like she’s brain-dead? …oh good God, yes she is. In fairness, I’m starting to get an idea of exactly how she feels.

2:55 p.m.
Jacob’s shirt comes off and a high-pitched “wooo!” comes from the crowd. I’d hate to be the guy who cleans the seats in this place.

3:08 p.m.
The Twilight series seems to have nothing to do with actual vampires. They rarely suck blood, they can appear in sunlight without dying (instead, they sparkle. Fucking sparkle!), have a reflection in mirrors and probably are immune to crosses and wooden stakes through the heart. If the Twilight books were about zombies, the undead would be vegans that can run marathons and deliver heartfelt addresses to the U.N.

3:31 p.m.
Now Bella has been dumped by a werewolf and a vampire? Who’s next on the list? Freddy Krueger? Gill-Man? Blacula?

4:10 p.m.
The lights go up again and I’m through the second movie. I immediately text my sister and ask her just what the hell women enjoy about these movies. She replies simply, “Taylor Lautner.” Women, I’m just going to say this now, because you need to hear it: Stop, you’re better than this!

5 p.m.
Twilight: Eclipse is next. It’s weird how Edward just shows up in Bella’s room without warning and she’s fine with it. No girl who likes this stuff can ever excuse me of being “too clingy” ever again.

5:16 p.m.
Edward asks Bella, “Does [Jacob] have a shirt?” It’s so painful to watch Taylor Lautner try to act, because he’s not fooling anyone. He knows why he’s here: To give stay-at-home moms something to masturbate to when they’re “cleaning the bathroom.”

5:35 p.m.
These characters complain way too much, especially the vampires. They have safety, shelter, and immortality - there are people right now with college degrees who have none of those things and I bet they’re not bitching as much as these fuckers.