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Can Maxim Survive 12 Straight Hours Of Twilight?

5:54 p.m.
This soundtrack features the dullest emo pop songs ever to fly out of a Hot Topic store. The soundtrack should be called “Songs For Privileged White Teens To Try And Get Their School Counselor’s Attention With.”

6:04 p.m.
Edward and Bella have a sex scene and it’s so awkward and boring that I just know it’s going to appear in a dream starring the birthday clown with hot dogs for eyes and my mother (again). I would rather have seen Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone’s sex scene from Casino played on a loop instead of that five-minute horror show.

6:13 p.m.
The audience learns that Edward and Bella are going to get married and a cluster of “Oh my Gods!” fill the theater, apparently forgetting they must have proposed to each other five times already just to pad out these interminable movies. So far, very little has actually happened in these films, and all joking aside, I’m at an utter loss to explain their popularity beyond shirtless Taylor Lautner. But then how does that explain the success of the books? Clearly, just the fact I’m asking these questions means I need to drink a lot more. Needless to say, by this point, I’m feeling a little edgy.  



7 p.m.
After dashing off to my car to charge my phone (and scream “FUUUUUCK” at the top of my lungs), I head back for the fourth film, Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1. Lines have already started to form for Part 2, and two women who cross my path mock the fans waiting there. My heart soars and suddenly I want to pledge my undying love to these beautiful, non-Twi-Hard ladies and marry them and maybe just appear in their bedrooms at night without any warning and oh my God I’ve fucking turned into Edward arrrghhhhhhhh.

7:33 p.m.

After four Goddamn movies, we finally get to see a little blood and gore thanks to one of Bella’s dreams. Hey, it’s not like it’s a vampire movie or anything, right?

7:36 p.m.
I realize we didn’t get to see Edward’s bachelor party. It’s just as well - it was probably just him standing in some stripper’s bedroom, watching her sleep. 

7:45 p.m.
The wedding! Ugh. No one here knows how to party. I want to drag a hemophiliac into the reception and have Edward bite him while everyone chants, “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

7:55 p.m.
Finally, it’s the wedding night and maybe there’s some hope for a sex scene, but nope, it’s another endless blabber-fest. This movie teaches dangerous lessons about what men want in a relationship to impressionable teenage girls, and should be banned immediately.

8:15 p.m.
Bella asks Edward if vampires can go into shock. How the hell would you be able to tell? The Statue of Liberty has a greater range of facial expressions. And more attractive armpits, now that I think about it.

9:10 p.m.
The audience screams at the ending, even though they’ve probably seen it a million times before. When the lights come on they make my tired eyes sore. I can’t believe I’ve still got one more of these to go, and judging from the line that’s formed outside, it’s bound to be the worst experience yet. The thought of sitting in this room with all these tweens is making me want to start yelling at people to get off my lawn. I snap a quick photo or two, but they keep coming back a blurry mess. It seems that not even my phone wants me to remember this horrible day.



10:35 p.m.
The movie starts up and the finish line is finally in sight. I will admit that Kristen Stewart is a lot hotter as a vampire (wait – when did she turn into a vampire? I must’ve fallen asleep) - it’s like dating a chick with a felony on her record.

10:45 p.m.
Renesmee?!? They decided to name Bella and Edward’s baby…Renesmee? I just don’t even… *head explodes*

10:46 p.m.
The audience emits an “Awww” in unison at the computer-rendered baby, confirming my theory that Twilight fans are, indeed, robots.

10:50 p.m.
Predictably, the most annoying thing about these movies isn’t the movies themselves, it’s the audience. They laugh at everything! Seriously, where were these girls when I was trying to get a date in high school?

11:15 p.m.
Wait, now vampires can have super tasering powers? Did I stumble into the new X-Men movie? I can’t wait to see the vampire who can efficiently soak up spills on carpets. Mostly because I’ve gone numb from the waist down and am pretty certain I’ve shat myself.

11:35 p.m.
Dear sweet Christ! A climax is in sight! The promised land is upon me! Freedom! No more wire hangers!

11:40 p.m.
Aro, aka Michael Sheen, just uttered a high-pitched laugh that could only be achieved by a good swift kick to the testicles. Now that’s method acting! Also, deserved!

11:47 p.m.
A war breaks out and as some of the participants are killed off, the audience screams with each bloodless blow like they’re watching their parents burn in a car fire. Some of the more notable kills cause the girls just a few seats away from me to shed real tears as they hold their heads in their hands. It’s honestly the first good belly laugh I’ve had all day.

12 a.m.
There’s a meaningless twist at the end that makes the audience practically giddy with happiness and sends me flying back into a rage. I dart out of the theater before the lights have a chance to come back up and drive away as fast as my Ford Mustang is allowed to go by law (okay, it was faster. I’m sorry). Finally, the Twilight movies are done and I won’t have to endure another one of them as long as I live. Oh, and Maxim? Fuck you for making me do this. Fuck you so hard.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, report, humorist and Team Jacob supporter (if the debate was “Who most likely has a learning disorder?”). He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net and on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thisisdannyg.

Show me movies I actually want to sit through.
Take me to the hot girl galleries.


 


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