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Cosmopolis

Release Date: 
08/17/2012
Rated: 
MPAA: R
Star Rating: 
2 out of 10

This is why you never trust a sparkly vampire

Photo Courtesy of Entertainment One | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The Pitch: In the midst of an Occupy Wall Street-style protest, billionaire Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson) rides across Manhattan in a limo so he can get his haircut. There are a lot of pitstops.

Photo Courtesy of Entertainment One | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
What It Really Is: A pretentious, excruciating mess of a movie. Cosmopolis wants so badly to seem smart and wonderfully bizarre, but it fails on both counts. As far as commentary goes, it has little to say about the 1% that hasn’t already been said (and much more effectively at that). As far as the weird goes, it’s not weird in a “Whoa that was so amazingly out there!” way. More like weird in a “What...are they doing? Is that supposed to be deep? Or funny? Couldn’t a simple housecall from the barber have solved all of this?” way. Pattinson is stoic throughout the whole thing and, while it’s clear David Cronenberg directed him that way, it’s almost embarrassing when he’s up against people like Paul Giamatti and Juliette Binoche who are super talented and trying to play real humans. We get it — Eric’s rich lifestyle is so meaningless that he’s detached and aloof and maybe a little crazy. When Christian Bale did that in American Psycho, it worked. When Pattison does it here, it doesn’t.

Photo Courtesy of Entertainment One | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
RPatz, a Word: We feel bad about your whole girlfriend debacle, but please take this opportunity to step back and assess your movie choices. This was bad, Twilight is shameful for everyone involved and we saw that Dali movie you made. It made us hate everything.

Photo Courtesy of Entertainment One | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Maxim.com Ready-Made Press Blurb: “More like Awesomoplis!” —Maxim.com

Who’s It For: Twihards who always wanted to see Robert Pattinson get a colonoscopy

Photo Courtesy of Entertainment One | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Studio: Entertainment One