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Dark Shadows

Release Date: 
05/11/2012
Rated: 
MPAA: PG-13
Star Rating: 
5 out of 10

Tim Burton does what Tim Burton does.

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The Pitch: Tim Burton transforms the gothic soap opera into a gothic movie that tries to be as funny as it is pretty.

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
What It Really Is: Confused. The mixing of comedy and horror isn’t the problem -- though the jokes are so obvious that a four year old who doesn’t speak English will see them coming a mile away. The problem is the story. Is this a comedy about the 18th century vampire Barnabas Collins (Depp) trying to deal with 1970’s culture? Is it about the cursed Collins family? Is it about Barnabas’ love for some dead chick, or some other woman who may be crazy? Is the main plot about Barnabas and his love affair with the witch (played by the amazingly hot Eva Green)? What about the little kid who everyone thinks is crazy? What about the family fortune and the business? And the dad? There are enough plot lines in this two hours to cover a season of Game of Thrones. By the end, none of the plotlines matter. The sets and overall look of the film are amazing, which is the only thing that saves this from being total crap.

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
How Johnny Depp-ish is Johnny Depp: He’s snoozing his way through his role playing a tired and sober version of Jack Sparrow. One funny raised eyebrow look is enough, Johnny. We get it.

Miscast Alert: Christopher Lee is a  great actor, but his version of a salty fisherman seems more Shakespeare than Sea Captain.

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Idea for the Next Burton/Depp Project: Depp plays a happily married dad who wears cargo shorts and eats at Olive Garden. He talks about sports. Movie title: Some Guy.

Maxim.com Press-Ready Blurb: “This movie is a Hallo-win for Burton fans!” - Maxim.com

Who’s It For: Girls.

Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Studio: Warner Brothers