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Demons Or Dinosaurs: Which Movie Should You See This Weekend?

Our movie-previewing dogs tackle Evil Dead, Down The Shore, and Jurassic Park 3D.

 

Evil Dead

Out April 5, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of TriStar Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“I think we all know how I feel about scary movies by now. Look, I love Bruce Campbell, I love Army Of Darkness, and I can even watch Evil Dead II because it’s funny, but this looks like straight up, mutilation-heavy, gory-ass horror to me, and that means you can count me out. Unless you want me throwing up in your popcorn, which, after what I did to that possum this morning, I can promise you, you don’t.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Fellow fans of the original Evil Dead movies have been wondering what to expect from this remake for a while now, and considering all the shitty, shitty remakes of classic horror flicks in recent years, who can blame them? No one wants to see a property as beloved as Evil Dead get the Wicker Man or Omen treatment, any more than I want my preferred brand of dog food to get the “New Coke” treatment. From the reviews so far, though, this looks pretty promising. It’s apparently totally lacking the comedy of its predecessor, but then, the original Evil Dead was played relatively straight, too, and since no one’s ever going to match up to Bruce Campbell’s “splatstick” in the sequels, a more serious tone just makes sense. Bottom line, Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell approved the script, and, yeah, sure, everyone likes money, but the original Evil Dead was a passion project that took years of their lives to make, so it seems unlikely they’d let someone mess with that legacy just for a paycheck. One last thing - if you’re a fan of the original, word has it you may want to hang around after the credits…”

 

Billie’s take:

“I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL I’LL SWALLOW YOUR – OH, HI THERE! I’M JUST DOING MY VOCAL WARM-UP EXERCISES. PEOPLE TEND TO GET FREAKED OUT BY THEM, FOR REASONS I’VE NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD.”

 

 

 

Down The Shore

Out April 5, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of Jersey Shore Films

 

Holly’s take:

“I fucking love James Gandolfini – even before his big break in The Sopranos, he was awesome in stuff like True Romance, and he’s continued being awesome ever since. This one sees him back in Jersey, playing an alcoholic carnival worker plagued by lost love and an irritating new French brother in law. Although frankly it could be about a space squirrel’s search to restart the universe through the power of explosive diarrhea and I’d still watch it if Gandolfini was the lead.”

 

Dexter’s take:

This trailer looked promising – and showed more of the movie’s premise than the below clip, but was, for some reason, not embedable - but sadly the reviews in so far are not exactly positive. Famke Janssen, Edoardo Costa, and Holly’s favorite, James Gandolfini, are always watchable, but I think I might wait for Netflix on this particular small-town drama. On the plus side, that will give me more time to catch up on my latest hobby - repeatedly barking at the exact same empty corner of the room, just to freak the hell out of my owners. A dog’s got to have a hobby!”

 

Billie’s take:

“THIS FILM LOOKED SNOOZERS TO ME, SO I WENT DOWN THE SHORE FOR REAL – IT WAS AWESOME! I ATE TWO THIRDS OF A JELLYFISH AND IT LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME COMING OUT AS IT DID GOING IN. NATURE IS AMAZING!”

 

 

 

Jurassic Park 3D

Out April 5, Rated PG-13


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“3D DINOSAURS, BITCHES. I’m in.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“If you want to pay 20 bucks to see a movie you’ve probably seen at least 10 times before, but now with weird, post-conversion 3D effects so it looks like Sam Neil is acting very blandly right in your face, then you shoot for that rainbow, fella! This is a classic movie and it’s still a lot of fun in places, but I’ve no real interest in watching it while wearing goggles, so call me when they’ve made Jurassic Park 4. Or mailman shorts that taste like bacon, either one would be fine.”

 

Billie’s take:

“THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST DEPICTION OF A MAN DYING FROM BEING EATEN BY A DINOSAUR WHILE ON THE TOILET I HAVE EVER SEEN!”

 

 

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