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Dog Movie Previews: “2 Guns,” “The Canyons," and “The Smurfs 2”

See what our movie-loving canines predict for this weekend’s big releases (not their big releases. That would be gross).

2 Guns

Out August 1, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“This one looks like fun – it’s Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg as a pair of undercover good guys who mistake each other for bad guys and then, predictably, get into double-crossing shenanigans. Word has it there’s a hell of a lot of twists and turns along the way, so you might need to switch your brain on slightly more than you’d expect for a movie that’s being sold as one big shoot out. I mean, I won’t – my brain is the size of a walnut, so it doesn’t really make much difference whether it’s on or not.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“It’s hard to imagine a lazier title for a movie than 2 Guns – it’s like a pair of Hollywood executives were sitting in a mound of cocaine, and one looked up from the buttocks of a teenaged Russian hooker just long enough to burble, ‘Hey, hey, Brad – Brad, I just thought of something. You know how people like to see a gun on the screen? Well…what if we put two guns? And – oh holy shit. Oh holy fucking shit, Brad, I just blew my own mind. What if we just fucking called it 2 Guns?’ But then, it’s not that surprising for a movie that’s based on a comic book that was only originally published as a comic book because the movie script it started as didn’t get picked up. Oh, Hollywood.”

 

Billie’s take:

“THEY SHOULD DO A CROSSOVER WITH THE FAST & FURIOUS FRANCHISE. THEY COULD CALL IT 2 GUNS 2 FURIOUS. WAIT, NO – THEY COULD CALL IT 2 GUNS 2 FURIOUS 2 SHOOTY BANG-BANG FAST BANG CAR 2 EXPLOSION BULLET BANG 2! IT’D BE A STONE-COLD HIT!”

 

 

 

The Canyons

Out August 2, Unrated

 


Photo Courtesy of IFC FIlms

 

Holly’s take:

“If you’re after something a little less shoot-y this weekend, give this one a try. It’s supposed to be something of a comeback for Lindsay Lohan, who’s playing the actress girlfriend of a rich kid movie producer who becomes obsessed with her sexual past. Despite being billed as a thriller, it looks depressing in a kind of empty, '90s, self-obsessed way, but hey, there’s always going to be an audience for something stuffed with nudity, drugs, and apathy. That’s probably why my Uncle Boomer doesn’t have an audience – he’s just stuffed with polyurethane.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I’m super intrigued by this one. Stephen Rodrick wrote about his experience of being on the film’s set for this New York Times article - one of the greatest pieces of entertainment journalism I’ve ever read – and his description of what it took to get star Lindsay Lohan to cooperate was absolutely fascinating. Directed by Paul Schrader (the dude who wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull, to name just a few) from a script by Bret Easton Ellis (author of American Psycho), it also stars porn star James Deen in one of his first serious film roles. Whatever the end result, it’s sure to be fascinating, even if it turns out to be a total clusterfuck (spoiler alert: One of the climactic scenes is actually a clusterfuck).”

 

Billie’s take:

“FOR A MOVIE CALLED THE CANYONS, I EXPECTED THERE TO BE MORE CANYONS INVOLVED. THAT IS ALL.”

 

 

 

The Smurfs 2

Out July 31, Rated PG

 


Photo Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“Jesus smurfing Christ on a trampoline. I wouldn’t even take my kids to see this. And I hate my kids.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Remember that Smurfs movie that was basically the worst thing ever? Well, this is the sequel. And in this one, there are evil Smurfs, except they’re not evil so much as kind of emo. I don’t know, I only got halfway through the trailer before I started vomiting blood. Please don’t make me go see this. I’m begging you.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I’M ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE A SMURF! I’M HAPPY, I’M WHOLESOME, I’M FOND OF WHISTLING, AND MY POOP NORMALLY COMES OUT BRIGHT BLUE!”

 

 

 

Want more movie news? Check out these interviews with Children's Hospital's Lake Bell or Anchorman 2's David Koechner.