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Dog Movie Previews: “Insidious Chapter 2,” “The Family" & “Jayne Mansfield’s Car”

What do Maxim’s movie-loving dogs suggest watching this weekend? Let’s find out!

Insidious Chapter 2

Out September 12, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Film District
 

Holly’s take:

“Oh crap – Halloween’s on the horizon, and that means horror movie season, and that means my least favorite time of the year. 2011’s Insidious was a semi-effective haunted house movie with commendably little gore, and this sequel sees the same family move away from their ghost-filled old pad, only to end up getting haunted all over again. Essentially, if the first movie was a watered down Poltergeist, this is probably gonna be a watered-down Poltergeist 2. If you’ve got relatively young kids, this’ll probably do a pretty good job of scaring the pants off them. Just promise me you won’t make your dog watch it.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“My main feeling with this movie is that the title could’ve used some punctuation. Insidious: Chapter 2, perhaps, or Insidious, Chapter 2 (or if they were feeling excitable, maybe Insidious! Chapter 2!!). That way you can actually tell it’s a sequel. At the moment, if you don’t know about the first one, it looks like a movie about a very unpleasant second chapter of book, and frankly, that sounds like shit.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I THINK I JUST SAW A GHOST! OH…NO, NO, MY BAD. IT WAS JUST A HOMICIDAL AXE MURDERER CHARGING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS ME SCREAMING SOMETHING ABOUT ‘KILL ALL DOGS.’ FOR A MOMENT THERE, I THOUGHT I WAS IN TROUBLE!”

 

 

 

The Family

Out September 12, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of EuropaCorp

 

Holly’s take:

“I really, really want this movie to be good – it’s about Robert De Niro as an ex-gangster, who has to go into witness protection with his family and move to France, where, inevitably (and due mostly to the terrible, but comically violent behavior of his family), the Mafia track them down. It’s got Michelle Pfeiffer as a gangster’s wife, like in Scarface! It’s got Tommy Lee Jones as a CIA agent, doing his sarcastic, exasperated act that he perfected in The Fugitive! This one is my cup of tea, for certain. Well, I say tea…but I tend to drink toilet water, if I’m honest.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Let’s look at what we’ve got here. On the one hand, you’ve got an action comedy that’s produced by Martin Scorsese, directed by Luc Besson (the guy who directed The Professional and wrote Taken), and stars Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Tommy Lee Jones. All of which makes this sound like a surefire hit. However, there don’t appear to have been any advance screenings, and the day before release, there are still no reviews for it. Which, sadly, means that the studio has no faith in this one whatsoever, and are hoping the star power alone will draw enough people in before word of mouth spreads that it’s terrible. Look, I’m still holding out hope that this’ll be good – the trailer looks like a lot of fun – but going by the signs, you might end up getting a lot less than you bargained for.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I HAD TO GO INTO WITNESS PROTECTION ONCE. I ENDED UP MOVING TO NEW YORK AND CHANGING MY NAME FROM SHORTY ‘KNEECAPPER’ O’HOOLIGAN TO ‘BILLIE,’ WHICH…OH, CRAP!

 

 

 

Jayne Mansfield’s Car

Out September 13, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Media Talent Group

 

Holly’s take:

“If you want something a little more thoughtful this weekend, you could do worse than checking this out – set in Alabama in 1969, it’s about a WW1 vet whose ex-wife’s death forcibly brings his family together with the family she raised with her second husband in Britain. It looks a little slow, but it also looks like it’s got a lot of heart. Just like my grandmother! She has cardiomegaly.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This movie’s got a hell of a cast – Robert Duvall as the grandfather, Kevin Bacon, Billy Bob Thornton, and Robert Patrick as his sons, and John Hurt as the Brit his wife left him for. It’s also written and directed by Thornton, who’s a capable, if erratic director. Most of the reviews so far have said it’s too heavy-handed for its own good, but if you’re a movie fan who enjoys watching world-class actors doing their thing, you should get something out of it.”

 

Billie’s take:

“FORGET WHAT I SAID IN THAT LAST ENTRY: I AM TOTALLY NOT, AND HAVE NEVER BEEN, A MOB ENFORCER CALLED SHORTY ‘KNEECAPPER’ O’HOOLIGAN. NOPE. NEVER. SO DON’T BOTHER COMING ALL THE WAY FROM CHICAGO TO CHECK IT OUT AND SEE IF SHORTY MIGHT NOT HAVE DIED IN THAT WAREHOUSE FIRE AFTER ALL. TOTALLY NOT WORTH THE TRIP. HONESTLY.”

 

 

 

Check out Dog Movie Reviews: Riddick, or 5 Movies You Should Never Watch With Your Parents