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Dog Movie Previews: “Kick-Ass 2,” “JOBS,” and “Paranoia”

What do our movie-watching mutts think about this week’s films? Let’s ask ‘em.

Kick-Ass 2

Out August 16, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“You’ve got to hand it to Mark Millar, his titles are always both catchy and to the point. This sequel to the 2010 movie sees a bunch of new heroes and villains (inspired by the events of the first movie) wage war on each other in a series of ludicrous, bloody confrontations. If you want ultra-violence, dark comedy, and plenty of cursing, this is the movie for you. Alternatively, just watch my owner trying to unlock her own front door when she’s shit-faced.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“I’m guessing that if you like the idea of a superhero called ‘Kick-Ass’ fighting a bad guy called ‘The Mother Fucker,’ then this movie is well and truly for you. It does look like dumb fun, although I’m mostly interested in the way Jim Carrey – starring as Colonel Stars and Stripes – has already tried to distance himself from the finished product. He claims it’s because of the level of violence in the movie – a more cynical dog might think he’s just worried that it’s going to be a flop, but then, that’s never really stopped Carrey from doing a movie before, has it?”

 

Billie’s take:

“MY SUPERHERO NAME IS ‘SNIFF-ASS.’ YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS WHAT MY POWER IS.”

 

 

 

JOBS

Out August 16, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Open Road Films

 

Holly’s take:

“If you’re looking for a movie like The Social Network, but about Apple founder and turtleneck enthusiast Steve Jobs, this biography is probably gonna disappoint. It does cover the period from his time at Reed College right through to the unveiling of the first iPod, but surely it’d be just as interesting to see what happened to him after that, once he became a globally recognizable consumer tech icon? I dunno, I just can’t get myself interested in this, and the fact the release date kept getting pushed back kinda suggests that the studio figured most people would feel the same way.”

 

Dexter’s take:

JOBS seems like an appropriate name for a film that, by all accounts, is one long blowjob for its subject. The reaction to Ashton Kutcher in the role of Steve Jobs has not, overall, been a negative one – he apparently does his best with what he has – but most people seem to have a problem with the fact that this is one long hagiography, when in reality, a more balanced, critical take on what was, after all, a pretty complex human being, would have been more satisfying. Still, fuck it – paint the tickets white and charge twice as much as all the other movies, and Apple fans will still wait in line to see it.”

 

Billie’s take:

“WHY DID I JUST ROLL AROUND IN THE GRASS? BECAUSE iPOOD IN IT! OKAY, THAT WAS MY ONLY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS CONVERSATION. BYE!”

 

 

 

Paranoia

Out August 16, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Relativity Media

 

Holly’s take:

“I’ll say this – Harrison Ford looks badass with a skinhead. I wonder why he’s never done it before? Sadly, that may be the most interesting thing about this movie, which sees techy whiz kid Liam Hemsworth recruited by tech billionaire Gary Oldman to spy on rival tech giant Harrison Ford. Yadda yadda yadda, the cast tries to kill each other, everyone wonders why Gary Oldman’s in this when he could be off being fucking awesome somewhere. Sorry, did I say “everyone” wonders? I meant EEEVVVERYYYOOONNNNNEEE!

 

Dexter’s take:

“This corporate thriller looks like it might’ve been interesting at some point in its production, but the current trailer is a curiously neutered affair. There are hints at sex and conspiracy and murder and all the other things that make an enjoyable spy romp, but it looks like everyone’s taking it a bit too seriously. Hey, you know what, Hollywood? I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

 

Billie’s take:

“HAHAHA, YEAH, AND, LIKE, I’M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, BUTT-HORN! OH. SORRY. WRONG GARY.”

 

 

 

Want more movies? Check out 6 Porn Films With Non-Porn Stars, or The 3 Most Brutal Uses Of Chopsticks In Movies