What do Maxim’s movie-loving dogs recommend watching this weekend? Let’s find out!
Out September 20, Not Rated
Photo Courtesy of RLJ Entertainment
“If you’re in the mood for some post-apocalyptic cannibalism this weekend (and who wouldn’t be?) then this might be just the movie you’re looking for. Set in a new ice age that’s wiped out most of humanity, it sees a bunker full of survivors come under attack by ravenous cannibals, who appear to be mindless to the extent that, really, they could’ve just made them zombies and called it a day. All I know is, Bill Paxton’s in it as a twitchy, mouthy guy facing imminent death in some kind of abandoned colony, and everybody knows that that Bill Paxton is the best of all possible Bill Paxtons. Game over, man! Game over!”
“This has half a decent cast, with Laurence Fishburne and Bill Paxton giving it their best 'Humanity is doomed!' expressions in the trailers. Sad to say, then, that the advance reviews on this thing are abysmal, so it’s probably worth waiting for it to arrive on Netflix. I’d guess it’ll be there by the middle of next week.”
“MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS THAT, DESPITE IT BEING ABOUT AN ICE AGE, IT WASN’T THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. TO BE FAIR, MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT PRETTY MUCH ANY MOVIE IS THAT IT ISN’T THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.”
Out September 20, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
“For something a bit more weighty, try Prisoners. It’s about two families whose young daughters get kidnapped during Thanksgiving, leading to one of the dads taking matters into his own hands, against the advice of the investigating detective, and kidnapping a released suspect who he believes knows more than he told the police. Some of the torture and interrogation scenes that follow are, by all accounts, brutal and disturbing. Well, to a human audience, maybe. When you’ve done some of the shit I’ve done to squirrels over the years, your threshold for gratuitous mangling tends to be a tad higher.”
“This looks like a decent thriller – most of the early reviews have been positive, with only a few naysayers complaining that it goes off the rails a bit towards the end. The cast – including Hugh Jackman, Terrence Howard, and Jake Gyllenhaal - is solid, although personally, I always struggle to take Jackman seriously, and his amusing beard doesn’t help much in that regard this time around. It’s shot by Roger Deakins – the cinematographer from No Country For Old Men and Fargo - so expect the general tone to be somewhere between ‘bleak,' ‘very bleak,’ and ‘kill me now.’ Apparently more thought-provoking than your average thriller, Prisoners should appeal to those who want a tense mystery, a lot of philosophical debate, and a few discomforting torture scenes. Which actually sounds like a pretty ordinary Thanksgiving, to be honest.”
“I ENJOY A GOOD MYSTERY, WHICH IS WHY I WATCHED THIS FILM WHILE ROLLING AROUND IN SOME POO. WHAT KIND OF POO? WHO KNOWS! THAT’S THE MYSTERY!"
Out September 20, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of A Single Shot Productions
“This is one hell of a week if you like thrillers. This one’s about a poor, backwoods guy who accidentally shoots a woman while hunting deer, and then finds a huge pile of cash by the body. As anyone who’s seen No Country For Old Men or A Simple Plan will know, his instinct to take the money is drastically wrong, and soon enough, the bad guys show up wanting to know where their C-notes are. It looks like a well-acted, intense ride of a movie, but I feel like it probably doesn’t get to the nub of exactly where the deer went, or what it might have tasted like. These are important questions for dogs, and I feel like we deserve an answer.”
“When you have Sam Rockwell, William H. Macy, and Jeffrey Wright starring in your movie, you know that you’re going to get some great performances at the very least. Of all three movies we’ve considered today, this is the one I’m most inclined to go see. Look out for my review – I’ll leave it on the fire hydrant one block west of the theater.”
“YOU GUYS, I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT KIND OF POO IT WAS! BUT I’M NOT TELLING YOU. NO SPOILERS HERE!”