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Dog Movie Previews: “The Internship,” “The Purge,” & “Tiger Eyes”

What movie should you spend your hard-earned cash on this weekend? Ask a dog!

 

The Internship

Out June 7, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

 

Holly’s take:

“Men will be disappointed to know that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson’s new movie does not come with a topless Diora Baird scene, but it still looks pretty funny. It’s about two middle-aged salesmen who lose their jobs and decide that the future is in working for Google, and join the mega-company’s internship program. I have to say, I’m quite a fan of Google, too – if I hadn’t misspelled it that time, I never would’ve discovered Doggles.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“The Frat Pack are back, and…wait, are we still even calling them that? Whatever, Vaughn and Wilson’s latest is by all accounts a much more tame, family friendly affair than Wedding Crashers, but, like its two leads, amusing in a charming, laid back way. Naturally, the two goof around, hijinks occur, everyone learns lessons about life, then the lights come back on and you spend a sleepless night panicking about your future employment prospects. It’s fun for the whole family!”

 

Billie’s take:

“INTERNSHIPS ARE FUN! I DID ONE AT A PLACE WHERE THEY KEEP YOU SEDATED FOR MOST OF THE DAY, AND ONCE A WEEK THEY STRAP YOU TO A TABLE AND ZAP YOUR BRAIN WITH ELECTRICITY. AT THE END OF IT, THEY GAVE ME A JOB MAKING BASKETS. IT WAS AWESOME!”

 

 

 

The Purge

Out June 7, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“This movie’s based on an interesting idea – one night a year, all crime is legal, with no cops, no paramedics, no emergency services of any kind. Anyone can kill, maim, rob, and generally be a massive, massive dick to whomever they want, and, of course, people go fucking crazy. Rich folk lock themselves away in gated communities, and this movie focuses on what happens when one of those families gets their home invaded by psychos. I don’t dig horror movies in general, but this seems like it has more to it than the usual ‘dudes get splatted with axes’ shit that’s normally out. I’ll go see it, but I’ll be sleeping with the door locked and a gun under my pillow afterwards. Metaphorically, I mean – I don’t have a gun. Or a pillow. Or a door, actually. Man, my kennel sucks.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“If nothing else, this has to take the prize for dumbest movie premise of the year. Making crime legal once a year has lowered the unemployment rate? Really? How? Does everyone choose to spend that one night murdering the unemployed? I don’t get it. I understand that it’s really all just set up for a home invasion thriller where the, ‘Why don’t they just call the cops?’ question has been answered, but as a premise, it just seems too big and unwieldy for something that ultimately has such a small focus. I’d be way more into this if it explored a cross section of society on this one, lawless night. Who knows, if it does well, maybe we’ll get a decent sequel where that actually happens. I’m not holding my breath, though (I’m literally not. I have no idea how to do it).”

 

Billie’s take:

“THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING MOVIE PREMISE I THINK I’VE EVER HEARD. BEING LOCKED IN A HOUSE ALL NIGHT WITH ETHAN HAWKE – WHAT SICK MIND CAME UP WITH THAT ONE?”

 

 

 

Tiger Eyes

Out June 7, Rated PG-13

 


Photo Courtesy of Freestyle Releasing

 

Holly’s take:

“All men reading this, consider this your warning: Every girl you have ever dated has read at least seven Judy Blume novels, and this adaptation of one of the most popular is going to get your ass dragged to the movies this weekend. Sorry buddy. It’s just a fact.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Oh God. Looks like Hollywood’s run out of Stephenie Meyer books to adapt, and has gone back to the source: America’s finest exporter of female teen angst, Judy Blume. This one’s about a teenage girl trying to cope with her dad’s murder, and it looks like it’s been handled fairly adeptly, but I’m not exactly running out to see this. Call me when they make a movie of Forever. What? I want to see if they get a stunt double to play Ralph.”

 

Billie’s take:

“…SORRY. STILL THINKING ABOUT BEING LOCKED IN A HOUSE WITH ETHAN HAWKE. BRRRRR.”

 

 

 

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