Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist

In the beginning, there was the original Exorcist, which scared people righteous in the 1970s. Then there was the Paul Schrader prequel, which was poised to explain the origins of evil, but was scrapped for last year's action-heavy Renny Harlin reshoot that featured fewer thrills than Bible class. Now Schrader's cut is finally here. And it's even worse. With most of the same cast, we head back into East Africa with Father Merrin (Stellan Skarsgård), a priest-turned-archaeologist who discovers a buried church in pristine condition. But as he digs up the sacred temple, strange things start happening, including inexplicable seizures, indefensible murders, and uncontrollable yawns. As we close in on the dark secret, the pacing moves slower than Michael Moore on foot, while the dialogue is stiffer than Michael Jackson at Disneyland. Then there's the evil one himself, whose appearance evokes the gray area between Sinead O'Connor and Moby—either of whom would've been scarier on their own. Add cut-rate special effects that look dated in comparison to the 30-year-old original, and it looks like we've finally found pure evil.