Photo: Lionsgate / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Tis the season for hearts and what better way to embrace the holiday of love than with clips of our favorite romantic symbol in action. Of course we mean real human hearts as viewed from outside the human body. Cuddle up with a loved one and get ready to say, “That looks totally fake.”
Crank: High Voltage
Poor Jason Statham loses his heart to less-than-sterile surgeons in the opening of this hyper, medically-inaccurate sequel and spends the rest of the movie with an artificial ticker chugging away. Those allergic to quick camera cuts and intense action should stay away, but any movie that opens with a chest cavity is worth watching.
Dumb & Dumber
It may just be a fantasy sequence, but it’s one of the best heart appearances in movie history. (Screw you, E.T. and your glowing symbol of compassion.) Jim Carrey’s karate scene in the middle of Dumb & Dumber has the comedian trying to impress Lauren Holly while battling a host of waiters. It also has him literally ripping out the heart of the chef, shoving it in a doggy bag, and handing it back to him. And then Jim stopped being funny forever and ever.
Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom
Arguably the most famous on screen heart of all time, Mola Ram rips out the heart of his human sacrifice, lowers the body in lava, and the still-beating heart bursts into flames. This very scene helped usher in the PG-13 rating as parents cried foul after millions of kids ripped out the hearts of their friends using unholy rituals.
My Bloody Valentine
Photo Courtesy of Lionsgate | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
This list wouldn’t be complete without My Bloody Valentine. Coal miner Harry Warden survived a mine explosion (during the town’s Valentine’s Day celebration) by eating his dead coworkers, only to escape from the mental institution, cut out the heart of the forearm who caused the blast, and leave it in a heart-shaped Valentine’s box. The movie only further perpetuates the stereotype that coalminers eat human beings.
The Last of the Mohicans
Finally, a movie with genuine romance. Daniel Day-Lewis is a pretend Native American who wears moccasins, brown fringy tops and cuts off the heads of immortals at a contest known as “The Gathering.” Oh, wait. That’s Highlander. Mohicans takes place during the French and Indian War, if there ever was such a thing--whatever history books--and bad guy Manga (Wes Studi) chops out the pump of a British ponce who killed his family. Moment after removing the heart he then shouts “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!” (Sorry, Highlander again. Why are these two movies so much alike?)
Friday the 13th: Part VI – Jason Lives
Here’s what happens when you and your idiot friend try to dig up the grave of Jason Voorhees in order to cremate him: Your dumbass friend starts stabbing the casket with a steel fence post, which acts like a lightning rod that resurrects Jason. Voorhees then punches you through the chest, ripping out your beating heart, and dumps you into his open casket. Moral of the story? Earth Day is everyday! Or maybe the point is to let dead super-zombies rest peacefully.
It’s the year of Mayan prophecies and the best way to celebrate is with Mel Gibson’s ultra-violent epic. Think what you want about Gibson and his personal crap, but leave this great movie out of it. It plays out like one frenetic foot-chase through the woods. People are stabbed, bludgeoned, mauled by wild animals and ritualistically mutilated. Not unlike how Gibson treats traffic cops and women. (Too soon?)
Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood
We hate leprechauns for three reasons. First, they’re likely to rip out your heart. Second, when you ask them if they want pizza, they say no, but when the pizza comes, they dig in. And third, their hair tastes funny. This camp classic did wonders for Warwick Davis’ career as everyone who watched it said, “Did you know that’s the guy from Willow and he was an Ewok? He’s also in Harry Potter? Did you know that? I knew that! I’m smart!”