Hitch

For those of you facing Valentine's Day alone, have no fear: sitcom royalty is here to help save your unwanted soul. Hitch pairs the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air with the King of Queens to teach us a thing or two about life, love, and fat man slapstick. Alex "Hitch" Hitchens (Will Smith) is a "consultant" who helps desperate men land their dream girls when he meets Albert (Kevin James), a blubbering accountant who's after one of his firm's celebrity clients (Amber Valletta). But en route to uniting the unlikely—some would even say unbelievable—couple, Hitch encounters Sara (Eva Mendes), a woman with enough junk in her trunk to rob Hitch of all his right moves. James struts his flair for physical comedy by dancing horribly, falling painfully, and channeling Chris Farley long enough to give this date movie a promising start, and Mendes provides enough eye candy to give us a lusty ulcer. But instead of sticking with what got it there, the second half of Hitch unfolds into a lecture on love from Smith that would make a Hallmark card writer strangle a kitten. The more Smith speaks to the camera, the more the story descends into the cinematic black hole of the chick flick, at which point no date doctor, real doctor, or spin doctor can save it.