June 30, 2010
Our favorite beast-loving babes of the big and small screens really like guys with nice personalities.
Geena Davis (<i>The Fly</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Bug man
Even with Jeff Goldblum's hair and his character's name ("Seth Brundle"?) working against him, Geena still let him crawl all over her. Of course, the housefly hookup leads to the most disgusting birthing scene ever caught on film. Uh...spoiler?
Natalia Tena (<i>Harry Potter</i> flicks)-
Creature Conquest: Werewolf
We don't read Harry Potter books. We only go see Harry Potter movies when our girlfriends promise to buy us a box of Butterfingers. So you can imagine our excitement when a few of the flicks featured a babe who wasn't 11 or 60. Turns out "Nymphadora Tonks" here likes older men, anyway...dogs, at that!
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Julie Delpy (<i>An American Werewolf in Paris</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Werewolf
Yeah, yeah, she was a werewolf too, but whatever happened to "opposites attract"? Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat didn't lie to us, did they?
Jenny Agutter (<i>An American Werewolf in London</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Werewolf
Here's the scenario: your zombified best friend appears before you and says you can either kill yourself, or you can continue sleeping with a hot nurse and possibly have a full-moon freakout and slaughter innocent people. Yeah, we'd go with the latter, too.
Adrienne Barbeau (<i>Swamp Thing</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Plant guy
Adrienne's boobs should have received top billing in this DC comic adaptation, as they were a far more impressive "natural wonder" than the plant suit Dick Durock shuffled about in.
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Selma Blair (<i>Hellboy</i> flicks)-
Creature Conquest: Demon
We imagine smooching Hellboy is like making out with a book of matches, so Liz Sherman must like the taste of phosphorous. Or maybe she just looks past that since he likes cats so much.
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Summer Blockbuster Bombshells gallery
Anna Paquin (<i>True Blood</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Vampire
Anna recent announced that she was bisexual, and we imagine her real-life fiancé Stephen Moyer (who plays bloodsucker Bill Compton) has no problem with that. We certainly don't.
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Traci Lind (<i>My Boyfriend's Back</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Zombie
One of our favorite "forgotten hotties of the '90s," Traci didn't do much outside of Fright Night II, Bugsy and this flick in which her dorky suitor returns from the dead to take her on a date. In other words, don't bother Netflixing it.
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The Best Zombies in Movie History
Heather Locklear (<i>Return of Swamp Thing</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Plant guy
Seven years after the first flick, Heather stepped in to be romanced by the walking Rhododendron...which wasn't anywhere near as weird as what went on while she was married to Tommy Lee.
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Characters We Lust to Hate gallery
Lea Thompson (<i>Howard the Duck</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Fowl freak
Lea may be able to make the teased über-'80s hair work, but we cannot get behind her attempts to seduce a friggin' duck midget from another planet. Still, pretty rockin' soundtrack.
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Jennifer Tilly (<i>Seed of Chucky</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Demonic doll
This one's a stretch, we admit, as Jennifer pulls Child's Play double-duty, voicing Chucky's doll spouse Tiffany and playing herself. Plus, she gets inseminated with Chuck's sperm. It's all very, very weird, but Tilly is still very, very hot.
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Naomi Watts (<i>King Kong</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Second base with a giant ape
Hey, she loved that monkey, that monkey loved her, and damn it, that's gotta count for something in this crazy world, right?
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Belle (<i>Beauty and the Beast</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Robin Williams monster
Disney has a (sorta) bad habit of making their animated female protagonists far too hot for kids' flicks, and the soothing slow-jam sounds of Peabo Bryson certainly didn't quell our libidos.
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The Hottest Cartoon Babes gallery
Liv Tyler (<i>The Incredible Hulk</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Gamma-irradiated brute
It didn't take much to convince Liv to try and jump Bruce Banner's bones, and had he not slammed on the brakes before Hulk-ing out between the sheets, we bet she would've been eager to go green. Just sayin'.
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Emily Blunt (<i>The Wolfman</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Werewolf
In a deleted scene, we heard that Emily actually runs away screaming when the wolfman turns back into Benicio Del Toro.
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Elvira-
Creature Conquest: She'd do it with all of the above, we'd wager.
That gown, that epic cleavage, that Valley Girl inflection...yep, Elvira was pretty much the perfect woman. And as a bonus, she likes watching monster movies, too! Maybe a little too much. "What's that? You want us to attach these Frankenstein neck bolts to our junk? Well, okay..."
Sarah Michelle Gellar (<i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i>)-
Creature Conquest: Vampire
Buffy gave such good lovin', the "friendly vampire" Angel reverted to his dark "Angelus" side after they did the deed. Now that's what we call having our world rocked...
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Kristen Stewart (<i>Twilight</i> flicks)-
Creature Conquest: Wussy vampire
We don't have a shiny chest like Eduardo (that's his name, right?), but we'll gladly tie a glow stick around our neck if it means Kristen will give us the time of day.
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