On your mark, get set…divorce!

Drew Barrymore & Jeremy Thomas (30 days) and Barrymore & Tom Green (5 months)- Her two marriages collectively lasted about as long as it took to film Charlie's Angels 2: Angels Without Pants In The Outfield. We wonder: Does she have the same problem committing to a cell phone contract? To a toothpaste brand?

Courtney Thorne-Smith & Andrew Conrad (7 months)- The seven-month union between these two anybodys was nothing to be embarrassed about…For the couple, at least. InStyle magazine, which went to press with the couple's wedding pix only days before they broke up, might have a slightly less rosy opinion of their impermanently permanent coupling.

Carmen Electra & Dennis Rodman (5 months)- Rodman tried to get an annulment nine days after their quickie Vegas nuptials, right after the booze wore off. Which is ironic, 'cause the pierce-pocked, tattooed-up freak show sobered up next to the way-out-of-his-league Carmen Electra. Nevertheless, the two plucky romantics defied all odds, sticking it out for another 20 or so weeks after that, as if to say to the cynics, "We're at least trying to listen to our publicists' advice, okay?"

R. Kelly & Aaliyah (3 months–ish)- See, that's what happens when you marry a high school sophomore. Aaliyah, 15 at the time, just wasn't ready to draw a bath or have a warm stew ready for her husband when he got home from the office every night at 5:30. Had the couple waited a few years, they'd have had little problem descending into tranquil Leave It to Beaver bliss.

Ernest Borgnine & Ethel Merman (32 days)- No, we don't want to picture these two titans of tubbiness sharing an intimate moment, either. Rumor has it, however, that diva extraordinaire Merman wanted out owing to Ernie's fascination with "Dutch ovens," among other things. In her autobiography, the chapter about their marriage was chronicled on a single page: A blank one. Oh, snap.

Robert Evans & Catherine Oxenberg (12 days)- Producing legend Bob Evans, whose legal address for much of the last half of the 20th century was "Hef's Grotto," met the lovely Miss Catherine on Monday and married her on Friday. Two Tuesdays later, they parted ways. Most college students have worn a single pair of underwear for longer than that.

Cher & Gregg Allman (9 days)- It only took nine days for Cher to think to herself, Hmm, maybe it'd be tough living with somebody who gobbles pills like M&Ms and chases them down with scotchy vodka. Cher's clever that way. No enabler, she.

Dennis Hopper & Michelle Phillips (8 days)- That Hopper was conscious and coherent long enough to utter the words "I do" during his decade-long substance binge is fairly impressive, actually. Along those lines, did any celebs that married in the '70s not get divorced? There has to be at least one or two, you'd imagine.

Robin Givens & Svetozar Marinkovic (1 day)- We'd write more, but that would entail trying to figure out who exactly Svetozar Marinkovic is. We're guessing a Serbian despot of some sort.

Britney Spears & Jason Alexander (like nine hours or something)- In retrospect, this might've been the beginning of the end for Britney's career, if not for romance itself. If Britney couldn't find a full afternoon's worth of happiness with an old school chum, there's little hope for the rest of us. Get used to that empty impression next to you on the mattress.