We can't even watch a movie without developing the symptoms of made-up diseases. Hey…does this look infected to you?
<strong>1. Flesh-Eating Virus (<em>Cabin Fever</em>)</strong>-
Take one enormous vat of stewed medical waste, add one part diseased homeless man, and let sit under the hot sun for several days. Once that concoction reaches full potency, you can say good-bye to all that unsightly flesh holding your organs together. The Cabin Fever disease put us off camping, bathing, and shaving our legs forever. In fact, we don't hang out with anyone anymore, just to be safe.
<strong>2. Rage (<em>28 Days Later</em>)</strong>-
It may sound like a gay nightclub, but this disease is nothing to make catty, biting comments about. It turns people into mindless zombies that run like Jesse Owens and eat like Rosie O'Donnell. And, once again, monkeys are to blame for spreading it. Well, monkeys and animal rights activists—as if you needed another reason to fear anyone wearing a "PETA" shirt.
<strong>3. T-Virus (<em>Resident Evil</em>)</strong>-
The awful thing about movie diseases is that a lot of them aren't content with just blinding you or turning you into a pile of quivering goo—no, some of them have to go and turn you into a friggin' zombie. The T-Virus also seems to work on dogs as well as people, so at least if you have to shamble around the countryside looking for flesh to devour, you can have Scraps with you for company. "C'mon, Scraps! That guy's limping! Go get 'em! Good boy!"
<strong>4. Soap Poisoning (<em>A Christmas Story</em>)</strong>-
In a world where potato chips can cause anal leakage and your diet soda causes tumors in rats, it's no wonder people have failed to notice the hidden dangers of Lifebuoy soap. Sucking on a single bar for five or 10 minutes is apparently enough to render small children completely blind. The upside is that your parents totally feel guilty and cry and stuff. It's a trade-off, but we'll take it.
<strong>5. McGregor Syndrome (<em>Batman & Robin</em>)</strong>-
We're not entirely sure what caused the disease that plagued Mr. Freeze's wife, but we do know that there are three distinct stages of McGregor Syndrome. Stage 1: Shortness of breath. Stage 2: Inability to avoid horrible puns. Stage 3: Complete and utter failure of your comic book movie franchise. Luckily, there is a cure. Just wait eight years then take a dose of "the Christopher Nolan vaccine" and all will be well again.
<strong>6. Brain Cloud (<em>Joe Versus the Volcano</em>)</strong>-
A cutesy way of describing a brain tumor (it's like calling eczema "body dandruff"), a brain cloud is not only totally fatal, it's apparently caused by neon lights and frequent exposure to Dan Hedaya. Yikes. And don't give us this "it was all made up by a doctor who was on the payroll of an insane millionaire who was trying to convince a guy to kill himself in a primitive ritual" nonsense. Who the hell is dumb enough to buy that shit?
<strong>7. Andromeda (<em>The Andromeda Strain</em>)</strong>-
It's bad enough when aliens come down in the form of giant, tentacled monsters, but it's just plain unfair when they show up as viruses that turn your blood to powder and drive you insane. But The Andromeda Strain did teach us that if you drink Sterno and have bleeding ulcers, you can survive anything. And to think, people call us "crazy" and avoid us at the bus stop whenever we scream that same theory at the tops of our lungs.
<strong>8. Omega Virus (<em>On Her Majesty's Secret Service</em>)</strong>-
Granted, no one wants to be made completely infertile, not even by Telly Savalas. But imagine, for a second, that you could drop a nice container of Blofeld's sterility-causing omega virus into the studio audience of, say, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Huh? We're not supporting chemical warfare or viral infection, we're just, you know, throwing it out there. Playing Devil's advocate, if you will.
<strong>9. Hibernation Sickness (<em>Return of the Jedi</em>)</strong>-
Apparently, when someone is frozen in a block of carbonite and then defrosted, they are rendered completely blind until the point it is deemed necessary by the plot that they regain their sight. That's some scary shit. Luckily, we're in no danger of being frozen in carbonite anytime soon. We're all square with Jabba as long as the Phoenix Suns cover the point spread.
<strong>10. The Motaba Virus (<em>Outbreak</em>)</strong>-
This virus may come packaged in cute little monkeys that do cute little human things with their hands, but all it takes is one cough and the next thing you know Donald Sutherland is flying in to vaporize your infected ass. This movie is the reason why we'll never buy exotic pets from our local pet store or kiss Patrick Dempsey on the mouth.