Ever since the announcement of a Total Recall remake, loyal fans of the mind-bending Arnold Schwarzenegger classic have been shaking in their antigravity boots. But fear not, space nerds. Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and Colin Farrell are here to tell you why you owe yourself a return to Rekall. Their version of Philip K. Dick’s iconic short story—which features beat-downs, gun battles, and special effects aplenty—will replace your fond movie memories of Arnold’s pecs with even lovelier ones. As creepy stomach mutant Kuato might say, “Open your mi-i-i-i-nd and read on...”
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Total Recall has some great fight sequences.
Colin Farrell: The first one between me and Kate is ridiculous. She basically chokes me with her snatch.
kate beckinsale: I did! That was definitely a first. It was my second day on set, and I’ve got my crotch in Colin Farrell’s face. That was an icebreaker.
Then there’s our personal favorite, Jessica and Kate fighting each other.
Jessica Biel: Kate and I laughed about that one a lot. We never get to fight women in our movies, so we never had hair to deal with. I’d fake-punch her, her hair would go flying and get caught in my button, and I’d be stuck to her head.
CF: There wasn’t a fuckin’ thing that looked girly about that fight. It was like a kung fu
master class between you two.
KB: I was most worried about my fight with Jessica and Colin together, because it was the most complicated. When it came to the actual hour of it, I was like, “Oh, my God, am I gonna be the person who breaks Jessica Biel’s nose?” I’ve only
really fought with stunt men and hairy werewolves before.
Do you ladies think that after all the fight training you’ve done, you could beat up a bad guy in an alley?
JB: I definitely feel like I could.
KB: I think what’s dangerous about being an actor who does action movies is you think, Well, I can totally handle myself now. But if my opponent didn’t know the other half of the routine, I don’t know how well I’d do.
Kate, you’ve cornered the market in tight-fitting costumes. What was your most uncomfortable outfit?
KB: Coming to Total Recall from Underworld, I very much appreciated the lack of rubber and leather and latex. But I would say probably my least favorite costume ever was in Van Helsing. That was a huge pain because it had thigh-high boots with 30 buckles on them that had to be done up individually.
Well, being a sexy butt kicker obviously takes time.
KB: It does take time, and you need help! It takes a village.
What gadgets from Total Recall do you wish you had in real life?
JB: A hovercar.
CF: A three-breasted hooker in a hovercar! That’s what I was hoping for as my wrap gift.
KB: I like the phones that are in your hand. It’s a sort of implant that suddenly lights up and rings, and you put your hand to your ear. I probably say, “Where’s my phone?” about 15 times a day, so anything that could be implanted onto me like that—phone, keys, sunglasses—would be great.
Are you surprised how excited people are about the return of the three-breasted hooker?
KB: I have been quite surprised about that, especially in the age of people watching porn on their cell phones. It seems like, if you wanted to, you could find a woman having sex with any kind of animal in about one second. At one point, when it looked like I wouldn’t be able to play Lori, I was going to do a cameo as the three-breasted woman!
KB: Yeah, and I started fretting about where they’d put the third one. Have I actually got room for a third one in the middle, or would it go to the side? Would it then be under an armpit and actually not sexy?
Colin, you’re taking the baton over from Arnie in playing Quaid. Who would win between you two in an arm wrestle?
CF: I’d like to try, but in a sneaky way. Like, just before we start, I would launch my left arm toward his pit really fast and slam that fucker.
What special skills do you have that no one knows about?
KB: Apparently, I’m very good at firing a gun without blinking, which is unusual. That’s why so many action characters have to wear sunglasses during shoot-out scenes. That’s my party trick.
JB: I can walk on my hands.
CF: If you spit chewing gum into the air, I can catch it.
What’s your favorite curse word?
JB: Probably just fuck.
KB: Oh, I was gonna say bollocks!
Bollocks is underused in this country.
JB: Well, you need an accent!
What’s the sexiest word in the English language?
KB: It’s not bollocks, that’s for sure. I think the sexiest word is yes.
CB: [whispers] Softly.
CF: That’s a good one. I put those together for an absolute instant orgasm. [whispers] “Yes. Softly, hippopotamus.”
Kate, what are your tips for a successful long-term relationship?
KB: I think it helps if neither of you is shagging 12 other people at the same time. That’s a hot tip. I think it’s entirely down to picking the right person. My husband [Total Recall director Len Wiseman] and I are pretty un-Hollywood, you know. Neither of us has tried cocaine, and I think I’ve been drunk once, by accident, in my life.
What part of your body are you proudest of?
CF: The big toe on my left foot, because it survived an awful, traumatic event nine years ago.
CF: I can’t remember, because I was blacked out, but it ended up with a lot of blood.
Well, we’re happy for your toe.
CF: I’ll pass it on. Oh, it just wiggled! It heard you. It says thanks.
Any girl crushes you’d like to share?
KB: Chelsea Handler. She’s funny, cool, and she’s like a girl’s girl.
What’s your biggest guilty pleasure?
CF: Oh, chocolate cake!
JB: Chocolate, for sure. Bread products. Pizza.
KB: I really like the English show Embarrassing Bodies, where everyone’s constantly pulling out a diseased penis or testicle. Every time I go home, I turn on the TV and somebody’s going, “I’ve got a leaking ass,” and I just can’t believe it. I don’t know what it says about me that I want to go and see some guy from Newcastle’s exploded hemorrhoid.
Kate, before we go, we have to ask: Is it true you hate wearing panties?
KB: Yeah, I don’t wear knickers. I mean, unless I’m wearing a very short skirt—or maybe if I’m going on a mountain expedition with extra layers. But no, I don’t like them.