Kingdom of Heaven

Not that God-fearing violence isn't fun all on it's own, but there's something special about Ridley Scott (Black Hawk Down, Gladiator, the rest of your all-time top 10) rending even more bloodshed from the Crusades. Kingdom of Heaven follows common blacksmith Balian (Orlando Bloom) on an arduous journey from 12th century peasant, to knight, to defender of Jerusalem. And with a two-and-a-half-hour running time, your ass cheeks will be tested as much as he is over the course of the flick. But Scott balances a slow build full of political plotting, knight fights, and familial backstabbings that leave the cameras caked in blood. And then there's the closing battle of Jerusalem, which could've been a movie in itself. Balian leads his men into war facing odds worse than the '69 Mets, throwing us onto the battlefield for 45 minutes of brutal carnage in which arrows nuzzle nicely into eye sockets, arms are sliced clean off, and blood flows like a Sunni soup kitchen. It's not our vision of heaven—beer, bikinis, intact heads—but the floor's just as sticky.