Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

We play…we mean, lots of people play Tomb Raider because it’s the closest they’ll ever get to interacting with an impossibly hot woman. It’s these desperate perverts that The Cradle of Life hopes to attract for the second installment in the Lara Croft video-game-turned-movie franchise. You might not want to unhand your joystick just yet, though, Poindexter. As Croft (do we really need to tell you who plays her?) sets out in search of Pandora’s box—located deep within caverns called the Cradle of Life—before it finds its way into the wrong hands, we’re quickly whisked away to a world of action, adventure, and poorly scripted dialogue. Video games can make for good movies, but the mishmash of B-level special effects and C-level actors following directions contained within what appears to be a magical duckpin bowling ball is enough to remind us why we hate frivolous sequels. Slow-motion action scenes are blurry, mid-shootout one-liners fall flat, and the big budget blows its load too early. There were, however, some positives. There’s Angelina Jolie’s body. There’s Angelina Jolie’s body in a skin-tight silver body suit. There’s Angelina Jolie’s lips…What were we talking about again?