When it comes to singing tough guys, not everyone can be Robert Mitchum ... or even Patrick Swayze. At some point or another, nearly every macho action star has felt the urge to show off his pipes along with his pythons. Some got their start in song (Hugh Jackman, we're looking at you), others have had at least kickass musical scene (Nicolas Cage's Elvis impersonation in Wild at Heart) but most just cause even their biggest fans to grit their teeth and beg for the Ceti eels from Star Trek II. Here are the 12 worst offenders...


12. Bruce Willis

Let's get Bruno outta the way first. Based off his Moonlighting popularity, Willis was able to sweet-talk Motown into signing him as a recording artist, and his debut album in 1987 was a surprise success, spawning a Top Five hit with his cover of the Staple Singers' "Respect Yourself" and making him the label's highest-selling white "artist" (using that term loosely). But the novelty of hearing his slice of white-washed pop-blues on MTV wore out quickly, and certainly did his credibility no favors. Still, to this day it's nearly impossible to keep a harmonica outta the dude's mouth.

 

 

11. Russell Crowe

Sounding more like a bargain-basement Seven Mary Three than Gladiator's macho-to-the-hilt Maximus, Crowe churned out three albums with his band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts before going "solo" in 2005. (He's wisely released nothing since.) Outside of his native Australia, the albums were pretty much met with indifference. But now that he's stopped throwing phones and has gotten fat, he's probably convinced himself that he's ripe for a musical comeback. Or "come to," rather.

 

 

10. Mr. T

We've all seen Mr. T's salute to mothers, but it always begs for another viewing. Calling this "singing" is a bit of a stretch, since T just does his usual guttural growl into the mic, sounding more monotonous than menacing. And while we appreciate the message, we're glad he stuck with his strengths after this sidetrack; namely pitying fools like that crazy Murdock.




9. Clint Eastwood

Clint's most recent foray into music was his raspy, "Is this really happening?" closing theme to Gran Torino, which was jarring not only for its sheer awfulness, but that it didn't seem like the kinda thing Walt Kowalski would be caught dead doing. (Or maybe since he was dead, it was okay? Sorry, spoiler alert.) But Clint's been subjecting audiences to his own brand of crooning for decades, and his early-'80s duet with Merle Haggard, "Bar Room Buddies," just might be the longest "two minutes that you'll never get back" of your life.

 

 

8. Lee Majors

While Majors has never passed himself off as a singer and this tune was intended to be a tongue-in-cheek tribute to his hard-luck stuntman character, that doesn't excuse it from being downright unlistenable.  (Even if lyrics like "I've never spent much time in school / but I've taught ladies plenty" are words to live by.) Whoever edited these opening credits wisely included lots of badass car crashes, explosions, and Heather Thomas in a jaw-dropping bikini to serve as distractions.



7. The Dudes From Miami Vice

Predating Bruce Willis' surprise success as a singer, Don Johnson's popularity on a primetime drama carried him into the Billboard Top 5 in 1986, when he belted out "Heartbeat" with a passion we'd never seen from anyone on the Vice Squad. (And yes, that's Dweezil Zappa getting his rough-and-tumble start as Sonny Crockett's shredding sideman.) But there's a fine line between emoting and sucking, and Johnson leapfrogged it with all of his might.


Shockingly, Johnson's co-star Philip Michael Thomas put out his own album first, but no one was yearning for his brand of come-hither, Prince-lite R&B. So even though he hit record stores first, Tubbs was still stuck playing second banana. If he'd had more than a $52 budget for his video, he might've fared a little better.

 

For the next six macho men who give singers a bad name, click the Page 2 link below.