Before the dust settles on this year’s Academy Awards, we’re calling the next one.
(Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
As anyone who is in “the biz” (that’s what people in “the biz” like us call it. We’re totally in “the biz.” Who said we weren’t?) can tell you, Hollywood runs in cycles. That’s why, even now, a full year out from the actual event, it’s easy for us (as we mentioned before, totally in “the biz”) to tell you exactly who is going to take home the statuettes, which next year will be replaced by miniature golden Matthew McConaugheys, just because he is that Goddamn awesome. So enjoy this peek behind the curtain of "the biz," a thing that we are totally in.
Kanye West wins the Kanye Award, an accolade he created, nominated himself for, and unanimously won (because he was the only person allowed to vote).
Best Supporting Actor
Chiwetel Ejiofor simultaneously wins a Best Supporting Actor Oscar and a local spelling bee for getting his own name right. Christian Bale loses the trophy despite turning in a brilliant performance, most likely because he was just an average weight.
Best Supporting Actress
Amanda Bynes wins Best Supporting Actress after bravely going method for her devastating and physically demanding role as a quiet, sober woman who doesn't like partying even a little bit.
Amy Adams wins the award, but makes more of a splash on the red carpet by wearing a dress that is somehow entirely constructed of sideboob-exposing empty space.
Jonah Hill wins Best Actor for his portrayal of a man who people suddenly started to take seriously. Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio beat him to death with the statuette while screaming, “WE MADE YOU!”
A completely astounding film probably wins for Best Picture. Unfortunately, nobody knows what it is because John Travolta announces the winner.
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