It would almost be forgivable if 2009 decided to lay low following the juggernaut that was Summer 2008. Could it possibly match the onslaught of Iron Man, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or the billion dollar cultural tornado that was The Dark Knight? Well, 2009 has heard your doubts and has responded with a hearty belly laugh. It's coming armed and ready to party with giant robots, killer mutants, and more beardy wizards than a Ren fair. Now, we've already covered the Comedies of 2009, so we'll leave those aside in favor of the boom-bastic blockbusters that will keep our pale, sunless asses firmly glued to theater seats.
MAY
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Out: May 1
In a canny maneuver aimed at outwitting the "Curse of the Fourth Installment" (and, perhaps, at cleansing the aftertaste of Brett Ratner's awful X3), the X-Men franchise takes a detour into "backstory" territory. The focus is squarely on the early days of Hugh Jackman's angry, be-clawed Canuck, although the movie still manages to cram in enough obscure X-characters to spin the heads of John Byrne, Chris Claremont, and Grant Morrison. If it does well, prepare for X-Men Origins: Magneto up next and, if there's any justice, X-Men Origins: Maggott.
Star Trek
Out: May 5
J.J. Abrams makes his second directorial bow (that's right, folks. Despite his omni-prescence, the dude's only other directing credit is Mission: Impossible III) with this revamp of the Star Trek franchise. Like the Star Wars prequels, this one pins its hopes on the notion that going back to the start with baby versions of beloved characters will bring people back. At least it looks action-packed, and judging by the casting of Zoe Saldana as Uhuru and Diora Baird as a Martian slave girl, it's much less chaste than its galactic franchise rival. Make with the beaming up…
Angels and Demons
Out: May 15
From the people who brought you The Da Vinci Code…hey, where's everyone going? Aw, nevermind. You're skepticism is well-earned. Dan Brown's faux-smart thrillers seem to make faux-interesting movies, but that isn't stopping Ron Howard and Tom Hanks from trying again. This time, the Illuminati (a mysterious clan believed to be either extinct or secretly running the world) is out to blow up the Vatican, and only Hanks and a few Scooby-Doo clues can stop them. Will people still flock to this? Does a movie about the Pope shit in the box offce?
Terminator Salvation
Out: May 21
Another reboot effort. Rather than continue down the rabbit hole of newer Terminator models sent back in time to kill young versions of John Connor, Salvation finally gets into the nitty gritty of the future war between mankind and machines. Christian Bale stars as grizzled adult John Connor, and Charlie's Angels helmer McG is behind the wheel hoping his big swinging robots are bigger than Michael Bay's. Terminatocycles? OK, we're intrigued…
Drag Me To Hell
Out: May 29
Sam Raimi has decided that the best way to recharge his batteries is to step away from the Spider-Man universe and return to his roots. The result: Drag Me to Hell, an old-school horror romp that finally looks to drive a stake into torture porn and return the genre back to its sense of fun. It's got gypsy curses, demons, a hot woman in peril (Justin Long—just kidding, Alison Lohman)—pretty much all you need. Sure, it's odd to sample this in spring and not autumn, but we're not complaining.
JUNE
Taking of Pelham 123
Out: June 12
This remake of the classic 1974 crime thriller replaces Walter Matthau's hang-dog transit worker with Denzel Washington, Robert Shaw's gentleman thief with John Travolta, and Lee Wallace's frazzled New York Mayor with James Gandolfini. It's also directed by Tony Scott. We fear that this one may challenge our usual dismissal of the remake laziness that Hollywood has been mired in for far too long. Dammit.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Out: June 24
Look, when all was said and done, Transformers was a total blast, so we welcome the chance for Michael Bay to return and go even more bombastic and apeshit. Apparently, Fallen is upping the robot count considerably—and they appear to be getting bigger and bigger (check out how dwarfed Optimus Prime looks fleeing that bridge-crushing Decepticon). So we get all this and more Megan Fox? We'd scream "hell, yeah" but our mouths are already crammed with popcorn.
JULY
Public Enemies
Out: July 1
The inspiring true story of what happened when a young Flavor Flav and a young Chuck D…OK, no. This is actually one of our most anticipated movies of the summer. Director Michael Mann (Heat) pulls together the powerhouse double-header of Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in this story of notoriously slippery bank robber John Dillinger. Depp plays suave prettyboy Dillinger, with Bale as why-so-serious cop Melvin Purvis. This looks to be a winner from top to bottom. Can we repeat how badly we want to see this?
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Out: July 17
Hoping to find a spell that wards off middle age until this franchise is complete, Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and his gaggle of wizard pals return to—wait, let us guess the rest. There's a mysterious something killing people and everyone is baffled as to what it is, including the new teacher who seems nice, only to discover that it's Voldemort working with the not-so-nice new teacher. Again. (cough). Maybe this time they'll catch him, though, right? Hum? Anyone?
AUGUST
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Out: August 7
Everything from the face-palm of a title to the off-base character designs to the choice of director (Stephen "Van Helsing" Sommers—shudder) has us preparing for the worst. But, hey, if it were bad would they be confident enough to release it in…um, August? Oh boy. We're beginning to think this 80s toy trend could begin and end with Bay's 'Bots. But, hey, we're absolutely into being proved wrong on this one…
Inglourious Basterds
Out: August 21
Quentin Tarantino has been teasing us with his WWII epic since back in the days when salvaging John Travola's career seemed like a good idea. It's finally here, and anyone who claims they aren't the slightest bit interested is lying. The "Basterds" in question may look like The Dirty Dozen's nerdy second cousins (Eli Roth and…isn't that that guy from The Office?), but how can you not be jazzed by the thought of Tarantino writing dialogue for Hitler?
MAY
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Out: May 1
In a canny maneuver aimed at outwitting the "Curse of the Fourth Installment" (and, perhaps, at cleansing the aftertaste of Brett Ratner's awful X3), the X-Men franchise takes a detour into "backstory" territory. The focus is squarely on the early days of Hugh Jackman's angry, be-clawed Canuck, although the movie still manages to cram in enough obscure X-characters to spin the heads of John Byrne, Chris Claremont, and Grant Morrison. If it does well, prepare for X-Men Origins: Magneto up next and, if there's any justice, X-Men Origins: Maggott.
Star Trek
Out: May 5
J.J. Abrams makes his second directorial bow (that's right, folks. Despite his omni-prescence, the dude's only other directing credit is Mission: Impossible III) with this revamp of the Star Trek franchise. Like the Star Wars prequels, this one pins its hopes on the notion that going back to the start with baby versions of beloved characters will bring people back. At least it looks action-packed, and judging by the casting of Zoe Saldana as Uhuru and Diora Baird as a Martian slave girl, it's much less chaste than its galactic franchise rival. Make with the beaming up…
Angels and Demons
Out: May 15
From the people who brought you The Da Vinci Code…hey, where's everyone going? Aw, nevermind. You're skepticism is well-earned. Dan Brown's faux-smart thrillers seem to make faux-interesting movies, but that isn't stopping Ron Howard and Tom Hanks from trying again. This time, the Illuminati (a mysterious clan believed to be either extinct or secretly running the world) is out to blow up the Vatican, and only Hanks and a few Scooby-Doo clues can stop them. Will people still flock to this? Does a movie about the Pope shit in the box offce?
Terminator Salvation
Out: May 21
Another reboot effort. Rather than continue down the rabbit hole of newer Terminator models sent back in time to kill young versions of John Connor, Salvation finally gets into the nitty gritty of the future war between mankind and machines. Christian Bale stars as grizzled adult John Connor, and Charlie's Angels helmer McG is behind the wheel hoping his big swinging robots are bigger than Michael Bay's. Terminatocycles? OK, we're intrigued…
Drag Me To Hell
Out: May 29
Sam Raimi has decided that the best way to recharge his batteries is to step away from the Spider-Man universe and return to his roots. The result: Drag Me to Hell, an old-school horror romp that finally looks to drive a stake into torture porn and return the genre back to its sense of fun. It's got gypsy curses, demons, a hot woman in peril (Justin Long—just kidding, Alison Lohman)—pretty much all you need. Sure, it's odd to sample this in spring and not autumn, but we're not complaining.
JUNE
Taking of Pelham 123
Out: June 12
This remake of the classic 1974 crime thriller replaces Walter Matthau's hang-dog transit worker with Denzel Washington, Robert Shaw's gentleman thief with John Travolta, and Lee Wallace's frazzled New York Mayor with James Gandolfini. It's also directed by Tony Scott. We fear that this one may challenge our usual dismissal of the remake laziness that Hollywood has been mired in for far too long. Dammit.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Out: June 24
Look, when all was said and done, Transformers was a total blast, so we welcome the chance for Michael Bay to return and go even more bombastic and apeshit. Apparently, Fallen is upping the robot count considerably—and they appear to be getting bigger and bigger (check out how dwarfed Optimus Prime looks fleeing that bridge-crushing Decepticon). So we get all this and more Megan Fox? We'd scream "hell, yeah" but our mouths are already crammed with popcorn.
JULY
Public Enemies
Out: July 1
The inspiring true story of what happened when a young Flavor Flav and a young Chuck D…OK, no. This is actually one of our most anticipated movies of the summer. Director Michael Mann (Heat) pulls together the powerhouse double-header of Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in this story of notoriously slippery bank robber John Dillinger. Depp plays suave prettyboy Dillinger, with Bale as why-so-serious cop Melvin Purvis. This looks to be a winner from top to bottom. Can we repeat how badly we want to see this?
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Out: July 17
Hoping to find a spell that wards off middle age until this franchise is complete, Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and his gaggle of wizard pals return to—wait, let us guess the rest. There's a mysterious something killing people and everyone is baffled as to what it is, including the new teacher who seems nice, only to discover that it's Voldemort working with the not-so-nice new teacher. Again. (cough). Maybe this time they'll catch him, though, right? Hum? Anyone?
AUGUST
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Out: August 7
Everything from the face-palm of a title to the off-base character designs to the choice of director (Stephen "Van Helsing" Sommers—shudder) has us preparing for the worst. But, hey, if it were bad would they be confident enough to release it in…um, August? Oh boy. We're beginning to think this 80s toy trend could begin and end with Bay's 'Bots. But, hey, we're absolutely into being proved wrong on this one…
Inglourious Basterds
Out: August 21
Quentin Tarantino has been teasing us with his WWII epic since back in the days when salvaging John Travola's career seemed like a good idea. It's finally here, and anyone who claims they aren't the slightest bit interested is lying. The "Basterds" in question may look like The Dirty Dozen's nerdy second cousins (Eli Roth and…isn't that that guy from The Office?), but how can you not be jazzed by the thought of Tarantino writing dialogue for Hitler?