Beautiful Creatures

Reviewed by:
Eric Alt

According to the makers of Beautiful Creatures, all men are heroin- and porn-addicted scumbags who deserve to die. Now if that doesn’t get you running to the next showing, we don’t know what will. Hell, even man’s best friend gets horribly abused in this lame attempt at a “thriller.” Beautiful Creatures is slow-paced, dim-witted, and features perhaps the most annoying and thoroughly repellent characters to grace a screen since, well, Tomcats.

First of all, how many times can we sit through a variation on the old “two innocent people accidentally kill someone, and then encounter all manner of hardship trying to dispose of the body”? Dorothy (Susan Lynch), a former heroin addict, and Petula (Rachel Weisz), a trashy secretary sleeping with her boss’ brother, are the Thelma and Louise (minus the sympathy and smarts) who get in deep when Petula’s boyfriend ends up dead and these two brainiacs decide to stage a kidnapping in order to…um, we’re not sure. Make things less complicated? It could be that these two “unsuspecting innocents” realize they can squeeze a few quid out of the stiff’s brother. They meet a lecherous cop and more porn-addled losers than the crew of The Howard Stern Show. All this is probably meant to be biting commentary, but any man who, after seeing a woman get pistol-whipped by a cop and hand-cuffed to a pipe in a back alley, suddenly melts into a bondage-tinged fantasy to the tune of “The Look of Love” is a freak who should be neutered immediately. As should the makers of this tripe. Oh, and did we mention this was all supposed to be funny?

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