Soul Survivors

Reviewed by:
Eric Alt

Instead of boring you with how bad Soul Survivors is (trust us—it couldn’t be more predictable if the lobby poster reprinted the entire screenplay), we’ll just list some of the random thoughts that ran across our minds while watching it:

“It’s kinda cold in here.”

“Why is that guy sitting so close? There are plenty of seats…”

“Hope the coffee maker is off…”

“Wes Bentley was really good in American Beauty.”

“Ugh. That piece of popcorn was burnt.”

“Why is it when you yawn your eyes water? Weird…”

“Whoa! Eliza Dusku and that blonde girl just hopped in the shower! And they’re soaping each other up! Yes!”

“Wonder if it’s possible to peg the projectionist with popcorn?”

“Gotta pee.”

“Eliza Dusku is making out with a butch lesbian in the library!”

“What is mind? Doesn’t matter. What is matter? Never mind.”

“Hey! They just over-dubbed the word ‘fuck.’ They just did it again!”

“If the screen were divided into squares, each measuring 4 inches by 4 inches, how many squares would there be total?”

“Oh, hey, it’s over.”