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Movie Time: Ghosts vs. Chainsaws vs. Gangsters

This week, our movie-rating dogs take on Gangster Squad, Texas Chainsaw 3D, and A Haunted House.

Gangster Squad
Out Jan 11, Rated R


Photo Courtesy fo Warner Bros. Pictures

Holly's take:

“This looks fucking sweet. Short version: a group of 1940s L.A. cops decide to take the law into their own hands when a New York gangster starts taking over the town, forming their own hit squad and waging war on him and his gangster pals. I literally don’t know what you could possibly not like about that idea. Unless you’re a Dalmatian, in which case you’re probably more partial to movies about the fire department.”

Dexter's take:

“Just look at the talent in this movie – Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Nick Nolte, Sean Penn, Giovanni Ribisi – even the T1000 himself, Robert Patrick! I have no idea if the director of the funny but vastly different Zombieland can get all that talent to work together – in a period setting, no less! – but holy cow, if he can, this’ll be one of the most entertaining flicks of the year. Short version: I’m going to see this. Right after I finish chewing this old sock some more. What? A dog has to have priorities.”

Billie's take:

“THIS MOVIE TAUGHT ME THAT CRIME DOESN’T PAY! I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY SENT ME TO THE POUND AFTER SNEAKING IN WITHOUT PAYING.”



Texas Chainsaw 3D
Out now, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of Lionsgate

Holly's take:

“As has been thoroughly established, horror movies scare the shit out of me, so the thought of watching someone wave a chainsaw literally in my face (thanks, 3D!) is about as appealing as being vigorously humped by the Great Dane from the next block over (seriously, that fucker is hung like a mutant baboon. Even for someone who’s squeezed out 72 kids, it seems like a bit too much of a good thing.)”

Dexter's take:

“You don’t need me to tell you whether or not to see this any more than you need me to summarize the plot – your mind will be made up entirely by one or more of the following three factors: either A) you’re a fan of cheap slashers and will see it either despite or, depending on your personality, because of how bad it looks; B) you’re super high; or C) you’re stuck outside somewhere and it’s raining. There’s a chance I’ll end up watching this drunk on Netflix round a buddy’s house eventually, but I don’t think I’d pay to see it. And not just because I spent the last of my money on poodle ass-scented candles.”

Billie's take:

“I LIKED THE PART WHERE THE MAN WOULD WAVE HIS BIG NOISY TICKLE-STICK AT PEOPLE AND THEY’D SCREAM AND THEN THEIR HEADS WOULD FALL OFF! IT WAS FUNNY!”



A Haunted House
Out Jan 11, Rated R


Photo Courtesy of Open Road Films

Holly's take:

“On the one hand, I would love to see a great spoof of the Paranormal Activity series. On the other hand, the majority of these kinds of so-called parody movies have been somewhere several billion miles below the level of “great”. But on the other hand (fuck you, I technically have four hands), it does seem like there are a lot of fart jokes in this. So, pros and cons, is what I’m saying here.”

Dexter's take:

“Not going to lie – I snort-laughed at the bit in the trailer where the possessed woman screamed and the exorcist responded by attacking her with breath-spray. I’m not proud of it, ok?”

Billie's take:

“I NEVER REALIZED THAT A PARODY IS JUST A RE-MAKE WITH FARTS IN IT! THAT MEANS THAT I’M A PARODY OF MY OWN DAD!”



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