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Muscles, Murders, And Marriage: Which Movie Should You See This Weekend?

Maxim’s movie-loving dogs preview Pain And Gain, The Numbers Station, and The Big Wedding.

 

Pain And Gain

Out April 26, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures

 

Holly’s take:

“The craziest thing about Michael Bay’s latest movie – about a gang of weightlifters (played in this case by Marky Mark, The Rock, and Anthony Mackie) who kidnap a Colombian drug lord and take his money in late '90s Miami - is that it’s based on a true story. I’m a sucker for anything starring Dwayne Johnson, and Bay has proved pretty conclusively that he can make stuff explode like no one else, so my furry ass is pretty much guaranteed to be in the seat this weekend. Or maybe under it, chewing on a shoe. Either way.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Michael Bay is a pretty polarizing filmmaker. On the one hand, his movies are money-making machines, designed to repel critics while sucking in huge audiences. On the other hand, important elements like “plot” and “character” tend to be thrown out of the first exploding window. For my part, while I’m not a huge fan of some of his recent movies, I have, on the other hand, seen The Rock (the movie about Alcatraz, not Dwayne Johnson) about 47 times, so make of that what you will. What intrigues me about his latest flick is that it’s being sold primarily as a comedy, which is a ballsy move, considering how harshly his attempts at comedy in the Transformers franchise were criticized. I’ll be interested to see how this plays out – it’s a safe bet that the critics will already be sharpening their knives in anticipation, but the real test will be whether or not audiences will show up to see a Bay movie that’s more than fast cars and explosions.”

 

Billie’s take:

“I LIKED THE PART WHERE EVERYTHING WENT WARRGGHH AND THEN STUFF BLEW UP AND THE HOT GIRL TOOK HER PANTS OFF IN SLOW MOTION AND THEN MORE STUFF BLEW UP AND THEN THE ROCK MADE A FUNNY AND EVERYTHING WENT BGNYUURGHHH AND FLWOOOM AND THEN A HOT GIRL’S ASS EXPLODED WHILE MAKING A FUNNY! I’LL BE HONEST, I’M KINDA JUST GUESSING, HERE.”

 

 

 

 

The Numbers Station

Out April 26, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Image Entertainment

 

Holly’s take:

“This one’s a thriller about a hit-man (John Cusack) who is given a supposedly easy assignment guarding a bunker somewhere in Britain that’s sending out coded messages to American spies, until – surprise! – bad guys turn up and start shooting. It looks more like a rental than a theater visit to me, but it does have Malin Akerman in it, and even as a female, that is one lady who I would let rub my belly all day long.”

 

Dexter’s take:

“This looks like the kind of movie that you only discover exists because you’re trapped on a plane for 10 hours and you’ve already seen everything else. I say that as a way of relating to you humans, of course – I spend all my flights doped up in a crate in the cargo hold. This doesn’t look bad as such, it just looks very traditional and, well, by-the-numbers. It also doesn’t help that, even in the trailers, John Cusack looks bored out of his mind. The bottom line is, executives would only release an action movie on the same weekend as a Michael Bay film if they’re trying to bury it, so that’s not exactly instilling a whole lot of confidence.”

 

Billie’s take:

“NUMBERS CONFUSE ME, BUT I DID LEARN TO COUNT TO TEN ON MY FINGERS! WELL, OK, THEY’RE NOT MY FINGERS. I’M JUST BORROWING THEM FROM…YOU KNOW WHAT? I’VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH.”

 

 

 

 

The Big Wedding

Out April 26, Rated R

 


Photo Courtesy of Lionsgate

 

Holly’s take:

“Oh good, another big ensemble movie about old, rich, white people with amusing relationship problems. The world definitely, definitely needed another one of those!”

 

Dexter’s take:

“Wow. I say this as maybe the only male in the world who genuinely enjoyed It’s Complicated, but this just looks awful. Even the trailer can’t find a single good joke to include, and watching the likes of Robert De Niro, Susan Sarandon, Robin Williams, and Diane Keaton desperately trying to make this watchable is just sad. Given the choice between having my balls sewn back on and then immediately chopped off again, or watching this movie…well, yeah, I’d watch the movie. But it’s a close one.”

 

Billie’s take:

“PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.”

 

 

 

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