With our military in the Mideast, it's reassuring to know grenade-tossing, bazooka-blasting, red-meat-chomping vigilantes are single-handedly protecting our streets.
<strong>12. Jack Burton</strong> (<em>Big Trouble in Little China</em>)- Truckers are bad asses but only Jack can rebound a throwing knife back into a mystical Asian's brain-box. Knuckle sandwiches are doled out as much as wisecracks establishing that a good rap on the noggin is more efficient in a fight than hocus-pocus any day.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Sarcasm
<strong>11. Paul Kersey</strong> (<em>Death Wish</em>)- Before Disney cleaned the prostitution awesomeness from Times Square, New York sleaze suffered merciless punishment by the plump hand of vigilante justice. An architect turned wrecking ball flattened street thugs in the name of vengeance. Chuck Bronson is the toughest cookie in a cashmere scarf.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Razor-sharp mustache
<strong>10. Dirty Harry</strong>- Inspector Callahan cares about following rules about as much as he cares for you. Bare knuckles and gun blasts are his judicial system and unlucky scum usually serve their sentence in the San Francisco morgue. The question is do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Weapon of Mass Destruction: .44 Magnum
<strong>9. Mad Max</strong>- Long before Mel was a raving police detainee, he was a crazy Aussie cop blowing rogue bikers into leather-encased chunks of flesh. The futuristic outback sees a rise in motorcycle gangs and gasoline hording. What, has Texas relocated there?
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Black Ford Falcon Pursuit Special
<strong>8. Agent Cody Banks</strong>- The teenage CIA operative tore through evil henchmen quicker than a multiple-choice quiz. His villains are thrown by youthful abilities such as unexpected boners, an entire arsenal of military issued "Yo Mama" jokes, and the threat of sending his daddy to beat up theirs.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Puberty
<strong>7. Neo</strong> (<em>Matrix</em>)- 360-degree freeze-frame optics, slow-motion bullet sensing, and designer shades for ostentatious glare reduction; this baby is "The One." Keanu Reeves beats down an army of Agent Smiths with unassailable speed and force, outsmarts twin Rastafarian ghosts, and gives department store mannequins hope for a Hollywood acting career.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Digital FX
<strong>5. John Matrix</strong> (<em>Commando</em>)- Kidnapping Matrix's daughter earns a Latin American despot and his army of elite soldiers a painful bunk at Casa del Diablo. Shaky one-liners were preparation for Arnold's future in state politics, but an unsympathetic combat-booted ass- kicking shows he has the chops for a Republican presidential nomination.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: M-60 machine gun
<strong>4. William (D-Fens) Foster</strong> (<em>Falling Down</em>)- Gridlock sends Michael Douglas on a hike across L.A., which, understandably, causes the square's sanity to crack like a Compton sidewalk. Apathetic fast-food clerks, gang-bangers, and Nazi sympathizers are served a fistful of righteousness along his journey. Foster should have been a candidate to succeed Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of D-Fens.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Deceptive bifocals
<strong>3. John McClane</strong> (<em>Die Hard</em>)- Cross-country holiday travel is daunting enough without having to take down international terrorists, just ask any open- mic comic about jet lag and wooden airline meals. McClane, one of New York's finest, put a bloody footprint to the asses of machine-gun-toting thieves with little more than a full clip and a receding hairline.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Christmas spirit
<strong>2. John Rambo</strong> (<em>First Blood</em>)- One toothless sheriff learned the hard way that not everyone in a beret is a sissy. The Vietnam veteran used cunning and a Popeye grin to knock off an entire police force one at a time, all because he was rudely escorted out of town. We would hate to be his taxi driver.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Serrated hunting knife
<strong>1. Jack Bauer</strong> (<em>24</em>)- Foiling 120 hours (and counting) of intense terrorist activity makes CTU's top agent the go-to guy for Homeland Security cock-slapping. The patriot has the stones to cap a suspect's wife for information and conceal his phony death from his daughter. His most difficult challenge seems to be not peeing for 24 hours straight.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Utter lack of remorse
<strong>6. Beatrix Kiddo</strong> (<em>Kill Bill</em>)- Revenge was the hot compress that woke the Bride from a coma and sent her on a killing spree in search of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad that shot up her wedding. In Tokyo, she faced down the Crazy 88 Yakuza gang and ran her sword through more Japanese intestines than spicy tuna rolls.
Weapon of Mass Destruction: Hattori Hanzo samurai sword