Looking to relocate? Tired of sharing a bathroom with four exchange students and a retired sewer worker? Well, you'd better do you research. Movies have a way of glamorizing streets way out of proportion, so best to go in prepared.
Wall Street
Neighborhood: All business. No supermarkets, but plenty of bars with conveniently-sized bathroom stalls able to accommodate two traders and their dealer comfortably.
Residents: Predominantly young men who may or may not be wealthy depending on the day of the week. Locals warn about frequent jumpers around some of the taller structures.
Quick Tip: Wait to buy a penthouse until the previous owner has a crisis of conscience and realizes the folly of his greed. You snag his leftovers on the cheap!
Elm Street
Neighborhood: Middle class suburbs. Good schools, plenty of local markets, and a dedicated police force.
Residents: The couples-to-children ratio is a bit lopsided. A surprising number of childless couples. The local high school attendance record is abysmal.
Quick Tip: The best way to fit in with you neighbors is to invest in large quantities of coffee, Red Bull, and giant floodlights.
42nd Street
Neighborhood: Although at one time little more than a sleazy alley of strip clubs, video emporiums, and tourist death pits, the area has since undergone a renaissance. Now the tourist death pits charge admission!
Residents: Impossibly hopeful dancers, singers, and future theme restaurant waiters.
Quick Tip: If you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere. Except Peoria.
Mulholland Drive
Neighborhood: Typical L.A.—spacious homes set just far enough apart so no one has to speak to anyone ever. Twisty roads are a hazard that can lead to terrible, but thematically significant, car accidents.
Residents: Hot but batty lesbians and the occasional cowboy.
Quick Tip: Never leave the house without your ID.
Beat Street
Neighborhood: Troubled and in the grip of urban decay, it nonetheless remains musically forward-thinking and defiantly upbeat.
Residents: Graffiti artists, dancers, DJs, rappers, MCs, and other colorful inner city characters. Local disputes are often settled with "dance-offs" or "rap battles." Police and vehicular traffic are surprisingly accommodating of large scale group activities in streets and subway stations.
Quick Tip: Invest in neon clothing.
Road to Bali
Neighborhood: Exotic beaches and sun-kissed waters hand-painted by the best set decorators bus fare from San Diego can buy.
Residents: Despite being located halfway around the world, everyone is white. Even the non-white natives. The tricky local dialect makes it easier to just sing one's intentions rather than say them.
Quick Tip: Residents always travel in pairs. However, if you find that both of you are wise guys or straight men, you may need to split up.
Streets of Fire
Neighborhood: Run down, inner city with an indeterminate time period. It can go from 1950s to 1980s-verion-of-2001 within the span of two blocks.
Residents: Biker gangs and musicians, almost exclusively. If you belong to neither group, odds are you are Rick Moranis.
Quick Tip: If you go off to an indeterminate war for an indeterminate amount of time, your hot girlfriend will hook up with Rick Moranis.